


It Only Took Eight Years

by Rivermoon1970



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Courtship, Deep feelings, Family, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Friendship, Male Slash, Pre-Slash, Reflection, Unrequited Love, not explicit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-21
Updated: 2015-07-15
Packaged: 2018-03-14 09:03:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 35,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3404966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rivermoon1970/pseuds/Rivermoon1970
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer Reid has been harboring deep feelings for his boss Aaron Hotchner for a long time now.  He finally gets the courage to tell him, but his fear make him run.  Aaron is stunned and reflects back on his friendship with Spencer over the years and realizes that he may lose his best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Confession

**Author's Note:**

> _I think one of the most poignant things is unrequited love and loneliness_ \- Wilbur Smith.
> 
> I know I didn't need another multi-chapter story, but like all good and terrible plot bunnies it nagged at me to be written.

Reid stood outside of Aaron’s house nervous for the first time in almost eight years. He and Aaron had been having movie nights almost every Saturday since his ordeal in Georgia. At first Haley was resentful of it, but then she eventually came around. She came to understand that the young man was seeking a family and that Aaron was helping him cope with what happened to him those horrible dark days. When she and Aaron separated, she was actually sad that she wouldn’t see the young man as much. 

Not everyone on the team knew. Gideon had found out but didn’t really say anything, he didn’t feel it was his place. Later Rossi figured it out and was glad that Reid had found someone he could connect with. And while it was true that the kid was the heart of the team Rossi knew that a deep friendship had developed between his former protégé and Spencer. Everyone assumed that Derek was Reid’s best friend, and that was true in a sense, but it really was Aaron that seemed to understand Reid the best.

So, movie in hand, feet shuffling he waited for Aaron to answer the door.

“Spencer,” And there it was, the dazzling smile that Aaron only used when he was home and it caught something in Reid’s heart, but he locked it away like he did every time because he knew that nothing would ever come of it. He figured that Aaron would freak out, or hate him if he confessed what it was he was feeling. Harboring these kinds of deep feelings for your boss was not always a smart idea. 

“You didn’t have to ring the bell, you know that.” Aaron stepped aside with a look of confusion on his face. Reid had always just come in the door, an unspoken trust between the two friends.

“I ah, I know, I don’t know why I did it.” Spencer smiled sadly. He had made up his mind to try to put into words what it was he felt for Aaron and it made him nervous. He walked in and Hotch placed a hand on Reid’s shoulder, lightly squeezing. It was an old practiced gesture but Reid welcomed it nonetheless. 

“Here, I brought Young Frankenstein, did you know the line walk this way, that Igor says to Victor Frankenstein early in the movie inspired the rock band Aerosmith’s song Walk This Way?” Reid said ginning sheepishly.

And there it was again, that dazzling dimple showing smile of SSA Aaron Hotchner, “No actually I didn’t know that.” He said as he walked into the kitchen to pour a couple of drinks.

“Yeah and the song went on to chart at the billboard’s top 10 in 1977 despite being a ‘b’ side track.” Reid knew he was rambling again, but he couldn’t always stop himself. He had gotten better at the social cues over the years, but sometimes his old habits just slipped through.

What Reid didn’t know was that Aaron loved Reid’s quirks. He sometimes hated when he had to cut the younger man off. But it was not always a good idea to let him ramble when they were in the middle of a case.

“Um, where’s Jack?” Reid always missed it when Jack wasn’t there.

“He had a sleepover with some friends. It’s just us tonight.” Aaron brought the drinks and the popcorn he had prepared earlier over to the table. Reid just stood there, not moving.

“Spencer, are you okay?” Aaron hadn’t seen Reid this strangely nervous in a long time and it began to worry him.

“Aaron…” He walked over to the coffee table, picked-up his glass of iced tea and took a long drink. He then set it down and turned back to his boss, his friend. “I don’t know if I can do this anymore…” No, that wasn’t what he wanted to say dammit.

Aaron looked confused, he thought the younger man liked coming over, “Spencer, what do you mean?”

Reid huffed out a sigh, sat down on the couch hung his head in his hands. It took a few minutes for him to get the courage up to say what he wanted to say. 

“Aaron, everyone assumes that Derek is my best friend. And on the surface you could say they are right. We go for coffee every Sunday, I sometimes go to basketball games with him because it’s the only sport that makes sense to me. We have dinner every so often and go to horror movies. But, it’s not true. Derek’s like the big brother I never had but he doesn’t always get me.” This was coming out all wrong but he didn’t know how to stop himself.

“I can say without a doubt Aaron that you have always been my best friend. Ever since Georgia when you risked your career in helping me you are the one that has always been there. When Gideon didn’t want to help, when I left signs that I needed help he purposefully ignored them. I don’t know why, I never knew why and I think that’s when my resentment towards him started. You knew though, and you figured out how to get through to me. I know it wasn’t easy, but if you hadn’t been there I don’t know if I would have made it. I know that the team doesn’t always see it but you understand me. They had all questioned me after Georgia on why I didn’t pick Derek. Because I know he wouldn’t have understood, he wouldn’t have gotten the clues, but you did because you’re smarter than you let on Aaron, and you see me.” Reid chuckled. One day he had been curious to know if Aaron had ever taken an IQ test. The bureau will often give them if their agents were ever interested. So he looked, with Garcia’s help of course, in Aaron’s file and wasn’t at all surprised to find that their Unit Chief’s was 154. 

“I saw your IQ score. I wasn’t surprised, but I bet the rest of the team would be. You know that could be considered near genius.” He smirked. Then just as suddenly he got serious again, “I know I’m different, strange to some…”

Aaron sat down next to Spencer, “Spencer, what is this about?” Concern colored his voice.

Reid turned his head and the look of pain on the young man’s face stopped Aaron’s heart cold. “Aaron, I…I have feelings for you and I don’t know what to do with them.” His heart beat was a little too fast as he looked at his boss and best friend. Suddenly he got up, grabbed his bag and ran out of the apartment. Aaron made to go after Reid, but the younger man just shook his head. Suddenly he wanted nothing more than to be alone.

Aaron’s head was reeling. He knew that Reid was attached, but he had no idea that his feelings towards Aaron went that deep. He wanted to go after Spencer and tell him that he thought much the same way. To the outside world David Rossi was his best friend and in some ways he was, but it was often Reid that he sought out to bounce ideas off of. Or when a new psychological or clinical theory crossed his desk it was always Reid he talked to about it. If he stopped and got coffee he always brought Reid a cup. There were a lot of little things through the years that suddenly made Aaron pause. 

“Well shit,” He thought as he sat heavily down on his couch. He didn’t know how or when it happened but his feelings towards the young genius had changed also.


	2. First Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer's fight for control over his addiction and Aaron helping him as much as possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not going by the first year of the show, but the first year of the characters bonding as friends. Starts second season of the show.

“Reid,” Reid was at his desk trying to concentrate on paperwork. He had been back in the office for two weeks and he was having trouble. He knew he needed help, he just didn’t know how to ask for it. He could see the looks of sympathy on his colleague’s faces and in that moment he hated them. They were looking at him like a victim. Yes he knew he was, but they didn’t have to keep reminding him with their looks of constant sympathy. He looked up and saw Aaron standing there, not with a look of sympathy, but a look of understanding.

“Yes, Hotch?” He looked around, everyone else had gone home.

“Why don’t you go home?” Hotch suggested.

“Yeah, yeah okay let me just finish…” 

Hotch reached down and took the file out of Reid’s hand, closed it and set it aside. He put a hand on Reid’s shoulder and lightly squeezed, “Go home Reid. That is an order.”

Spencer sighed, “Okay Hotch, I’ll go.” The defeat in the young man’s voice was enough to make Hotch want to pull him in and give him a hug, but he felt it would be inappropriate. Aaron could tell that Reid was struggling, but he didn’t know exactly how to help him. He also noticed how Gideon, the young agent’s supposed mentor, refused to see the signs. He knew Reid could be subtle, but to Hotch the kid was screaming for help and Gideon ignored it. This made Hotch grow a little seed of resentment inside himself.

As Reid made his way to the doors Aaron stopped him, “Reid, it’s pretty late why don’t I give you a ride home?” Reid couldn’t make out the expression on his bosses face. He had only been with the unit for a little over two years and Hotch was still a puzzle to him. Reid knew the man was smarter than he often let on, Alpha male personality but highly protective of his team, he wore his air of authority like a badge, but any one of them could go to him with anything and he’d listen. Reid’s respect and admiration for his boss increased as time went on. But, he was still a puzzle to Reid and there was one thing that the youngest BAU agent couldn’t resist was a puzzle.

“Okay. Thank you.” And so it began. The first gesture of a car ride turned into Hotch picking him up every day for work, his way of checking on Reid to see if he was okay. At first it was awkward, but eventually there grew a comfortable camaraderie between them. 

Two months into the new routine Hotch stopped at his desk and set a cup of coffee down for him. Hotch had helped him through another withdrawal the night before. It went unspoken between them and Hotch just laid a hand on his shoulder, tapped twice then moved to his office. No one knew, not even Gideon and Hotch could lose his job if the drug use continued to go unreported. Hotch thumbed his nose at the regulation. Reid didn’t ask to get addicted to dilauded, and he kept fighting it, which is what gave Hotch hope.

It wasn’t until the case in Texas where a former Army Ranger had a psychotic break that Hotch knew Reid needed more help.

“Reid, why don’t you come over on Saturday? We’ll have dinner and watch movies. Haley and I could use the adult company.” Hotch smiled letting the young man know he wasn’t alone.

Reid wanted to protest, to say he’d be fine, but he knew he wasn’t fine so he did the only thing he could.

“Um sure, what…what time?”

“Come around 6:00,” Hotch walked up to his office, leaving the door open and got down to his paperwork.

That Saturday precisely at 6:00 pm Reid was there with a couple of movies in his hands. He wasn’t really sure what Hotch and Haley liked, but he brought them anyway.

“Come in. I see you brought some movies of your own,” And Reid was surprised by the full easy smile.

“Yeah, I uh don’t know what you guys like, but I brought a couple of Akira Kurosawa movies. Yojimbo, it’s about this really genius ronin samurai who plays two feuding gangs against each other to help free a small town.” Hotch smiled at that, of course Reid would latch onto a movie with a genius rogue, “And Seven Samurai, which is what the movie Magnificent Seven is based on. Did you know that in Magnificent Seven the Mexican censors required the producers to make sure all of the peasants wore clean clothing…” Reid just stared at the looks that Hotch and Haley gave him.

“Sorry, I tend to go off on tangents,” He said looking slightly sheepish.

“Spencer, it’s okay, you can ramble as much as you like.” She smiled at him as she showed him into their living room. They spent a fun evening watching the two Japanese action movies and listening whenever Reid would spout a random fact about either movie. After a while Haley left the two men alone, sensing Aaron wanted to talk to Spencer.

“Reid…”

“I know what you’re going to say Hotch. I’m sorry, I know I lost it with Emily and I know everyone is concerned, but its that right there that keeps me on edge. Everyone wants me to fall apart, to give into being the victim so they can come in and play hero. I’m not doing what they want me to do and its frustrating their hero complexes. I know I have a problem. I’m really trying Hotch but…”

“But what Spencer?” He didn’t want to play hero to Reid, he genuinely wanted to help him. He didn’t want to see the wonderful, intelligent man go to waste. He was more than his brain and sometimes he cursed Gideon for stepping aside.

“Its so hard with everyone watching me. Its hard because…” He bowed his head, shame coursing through him at the thought of his weakness.

“It’s hard because it stills your mind. It’s hard because you’re afraid of that mind and you’re afraid you are going to end up like your mother. Spencer, I don’t see you as a victim, but you are suffering from PTSD, the drugs are not going to make that go away. They are only going to make it worse. Now, Emily hasn’t made a complaint, so nothing will go in your record but Reid you need more help. I’m here to talk, okay?”

Reid wanted to cry, how had Aaron seen through to his fears? Not even Morgan, his supposed best friend was there for him. How was it that Aaron knew him so well? He didn’t want to dwell on it, so he left it alone for now.

“Thank you Hotch. Thank you for tonight, it was fun.” He said rather quietly.

“Well, for the time being why don’t we make this a weekly thing? We’ll have dinner and watch a couple of movies.” Reid looked confused at first, but he liked the idea so he readily agreed.

At first Haley began to resent the weekly presence of the young man, but she slowly began to see what Aaron was doing. He was giving Reid another place to belong besides the BAU. After a while she started to look forward to Saturday nights with Spencer. She liked to hear his ramblings and thought he could be very funny when he wanted to be. He surprised her with his physics magic and random facts about the movies they would watch. She saw just how endearing Spencer Reid really could be.

After New Orleans and Spencer missed the plane he was supposed to be on Hotch was getting frustrated, but he also sensed a turning point in the young man and when their next case, an arson case closer to home Reid asked, in his own roundabout way, for help. Aaron let out a small smile and hoped beyond hope that Gideon would finally catch on to all the clues that Reid left for his mentor, yet in typical Gideon fashion he ignored the cry for help. 

Hotch did some research into bureau policy about NA meetings. Because of the anonymous nature of the meetings, even if a bureau agent was known to attend, they were protected under the law. So Hotch found information and slid it to Reid along with some paperwork, with a note, If you want someone to go with you, just ask and I’ll be there.

Reid smiled and slipped the information with the note into his messenger bag. When he went up to deliver some files to Hotch he slipped a paper in between, please, was all it said.

So it went that on Tuesday’s Hotch would give Spencer a ride to the meetings, wait for him and they would go to dinner. After a while he felt comfortable going by himself, but they still met up for dinner and to talk. Saturday movie nights continued, but with a lighter heart. That was, until Frank Breitkopf returned to cause havoc in their lives. Till Gideon’s self doubt finally fully manifested itself and he ran. The compulsion to relapse after he found the empty cabin and a letter addressed to him was there and instead of running off to buy drugs, he ran to Hotch’s where he let himself be cared for. 

Hotch also found comfort in the friendship after Haley left. He had suspected the affair months prior, but during the two weeks suspension, then the time he was deciding if he was going to transfer or not the strange phone calls kept coming in. He didn’t confront Haley about it, he didn’t want the fight, he was tired of trying to justify himself to her. He made his ambitions clear to her after leaving the prosecutor’s office and he never lied to her about what he wanted. It just wasn’t worth it anymore if she didn’t want to stand by him. It didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt like hell, it did, but sometimes you just needed to let go.

So, the carpool, the movie nights and dinner on Tuesday’s continued and the friendship only got stronger.


	3. Second Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David Rossi joins the team and things don't go well. Aaron helps Dave to understand Reid, just as he helps Reid to understand Rossi. Reid goes to Aaron's days after the Hardwick case to see if he's okay.

David Rossi, thought Reid. Here was a man, an author he had looked-up to for years. He never thought he’d actually get to meet him. Now that he had, he wished he never did, and now they were working together. It was just that he had a hard time containing his excitement. He hadn’t meant to ramble and push, he just had a harder time than most controlling what he said. Now they were stuck in a police station, sweltering heat outside and an unsub they couldn’t get a handle on.

Reid was lost in his own thoughts as he examined the crime scene photos and ME reports much more closely.

“Guys, what if this is a gender identity crises?” Reid asked to no one in particular.

“What do you mean Reid?” Aaron asked in his even measured voice.

“Well, when we first looked at these photos we assumed that the genitals were mutilated, but according to the ME and the reports, they were cleanly removed. This indicates that the unsub has a working knowledge of anatomy. Maybe he’s angry at this own identity and hasn’t come to terms with it, so he’s acting out and remaking these men into what he identifies with.”

“And what exactly would that be mister genius?” Rossi said a little more sarcastically than he meant to.

Reid looked at him angrily. How dare this man dismiss his theory so easily, “I believe he identifies as a woman but is too afraid to do anything about it, so these men are surrogates for his rage at himself.”

Just then, frustrated with the case, the heat, and trying to fit into a team dynamic took its toll on Rossi and he laid into Reid. The rest of the team just sat there stunned. They didn’t know what to do or what to say. Reid glared at the older man, got up and walked out of the room.

“Guys, can you give us a few minutes?” Aaron’s scowl meant that he was pissed. The rest of the team slowly got up and left the room. Aaron asked JJ to check on Reid to make sure he was okay and then he rounded on Rossi. “Dave, what in the hell was that? Reid was giving us a viable working theory and you shred the young man?” Aaron was angry and getting frustrated at his old friend. He noticed how Dave was having a difficult time adjusting to a team dynamic, but he never thought he would take it this far.

“Aaron, come on, what is this kid even doing here? I mean, look at him he looks like he’s still in high school. And these geographic profiles? Really?” Rossi dismissed the value of Reid’s research and theories way too casually for Aaron’s liking.

“Dave,” Aaron said more calmly than he felt, “Reid has been a valuable member of my team for almost three years now. It has taken a while to build up his confidence enough and to feel comfortable enough to give us his theories. He’s brilliant and with him our success rate has increased every year that he’s with us. He’s been through a lot, more than any other Agent should have to go through. If you can’t respect a member of my team, then what the hell are you doing back here Dave?” Aaron’s anger at his friend was quite evident.

Rossi saw just how angry Aaron was and he felt at least a little guilty, “It’s just, how do you stand it?”

Aaron was confused, “Stand what Dave?” 

“He doesn’t know when to quit. He constantly spouts useless information, rambles on about TV shows that no one cares about and acts like an excited puppy over the smallest thing…”

Aaron couldn’t believe he was seeing this side of David Rossi, “He’s a genius Dave. His mind goes at a mile a minute. And, for your information a lot of times in that useless rambling there is something there. And I think this has more to do with the fact that you are a bit of a hero to him and it’s making you uncomfortable.”

Rossi wanted to protest but there it was. The crux of the problem he had with the young genius. He sighed, “Okay, say you’re right, what do I do about it?”

“Have you tried to actually talk to him? He’s inquisitive and brilliant and Dave, he just lost one of the most important people to him. Don’t you think Gideon devastated him by leaving like he did? He’s trying to accept that his mentor is gone and someone new, who he greatly respects, has taken his place. Maybe try cutting him a little slack.”

“Wow Aaron, when did you learn how to punch someone in the gut like that?”

“From you.” He said as he stalked off in search of Reid. JJ told Aaron that he had walked down to a little coffee shop down the street. He had refused anyone’s offer to go with him. Aaron told the team to get back in the conference room and work on the victimology. He also had JJ continue working the geographic profile; she knew Reid’s methods best and trusted her to continue. Then he walked down the street and found the café JJ was talking about.

Aaron got himself some coffee and walked over to the table, brushed his hand on Reid’s shoulder and sat down. He saw that Reid was trying to work though what happened so he just sat with the young man patiently waiting till he opened up. After a few minutes Reid spoke up.

“I know I shouldn’t have walked out…”

Aaron cut him off, “It’s fine. Dave was completely in the wrong here and I’ve already talked to him about it.”

Surprise flashed across Reid’s face, “Hotch…I think he hates me.” He let out a deep breath.

“He just doesn’t understand you Spencer. I think what would help is if you back off slightly. I know he’s a bit of a hero to you and I know how excited you were when he joined, but he’s having a hard time adjusting. He never worked in a team environment before and this is all new to him.”

“I get that, and I know I ramble too much, but Hotch, I think I’m right.”

“So stand up for yourself Reid. That is how you’re going to gain his respect. Fight for your theories and don’t back down. And for what it’s worth, I believe you’re right, that it is a gender issue here so let’s get back to the station and work with that theory.”

Aaron saw the relief in Reid’s eyes, “Thank you.” He took a swallow of his coffee then smiled slightly, “Tomorrow is Saturday. I have movies in my go bag, that is if we’re still here…”

Aaron smiled clasped Reid’s shoulder and said, “Sounds like a plan.” And the two friends settled as they walked back to the station.

So, Reid tried again to explain his theory that the unsub was in the middle of a gender identity crises and when Rossi started to protest the young agent stood his ground and  
showed him through the photos and the ME reports on where he came up with the idea. Dave backed down, for the time being. Later, after they caught the unsub and had records of hormone therapy, cross-dressing and the man’s own diary which all pointed to a gender identity crises Reid held back saying I told you so. Instead he stalked off to the hotel to get some rest.

Some time later there was a knock at Reid’s hotel room door and when he saw it was Aaron, he smiled and let him in.

“So Reid, what movie do you have in store for me tonight?” Aaron asked with a warm smile. In his hands he had brought take-out for the two of them. Neither man wanted to go out drinking, they left that to the rest of the team.

“I took the liberty, I hope you don’t mind.” He said as he put the food on the small table in Reid’s room.

“I don’t mind at all. I brought a movie called _Being There_ it’s this great Hal Ashby directed movie with Peter Sellers as the main character of Chance. Who worked as a gardener for a rich man for most of his adult life. He spends most of his life on the grounds and learns most of what he knows from television. The man dies and Chance finds himself put out by the family. He then, through a set of strange circumstances, becomes an advisor to a powerful political man…”

Aaron was just smiling at Reid’s enthusiasm. 

 

“Sorry, its one of my favorite satires, and satire in its truest form of the word being that the movie utilizes humor, and exaggeration to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues…I did it again…”

“Reid, it’s fine. I look forward to it.” And so they sat next to each other on one of the beds ate take-out and watched a brilliant satirical comedy. At one point Reid yawned and laid his head on Aaron’s shoulder and fell asleep. Aaron didn’t know what to do at first, he felt he should be uncomfortable, but he wasn’t. He wrapped an arm around Reid laid his head back and ended up falling asleep himself.

When Reid woke-up in the early hours of the morning and found himself in bed with Aaron he panicked a little, until he noticed they were still dressed. Aaron’s arm was thrown around his waist and Reid wasn’t sure what to do. Until he chuckled lowly because it was just slightly ridiculous, then he thought about it again and he liked the feel of the older man wrapped around him. He knew nothing could ever happen between them, but he decided that, for this moment, he would just lie there and enjoy the feeling of being cared for.

“Reid,” Aaron woke and noticed how they had ended up, “I ah, I think we need to get up.” Aaron was trying to act as nothing strange had happened. Spencer thought he should be upset, but he wasn’t. He knew Aaron considered him a good friend and nothing more. It wasn’t the older man’s fault that he had developed a crush on his boss. 

“I think that’s a good idea.” Spencer got up after he untangled himself from Aaron. He smiled at his friend unapologetically.

“Well, okay then. I’ll just go back to my room and get changed.” Aaron was flustered, but it put him at ease a little that Spencer didn’t say anything. They didn’t talk about what happened but every so often they would catch each other’s eye and chuckle. 

On the plane back home Reid got them both some coffee and settled himself next to Aaron, who just smiled at the gesture. Neither said anything as their legs touched just a little, or if Reid’s hand ‘accidentally’ brushed against Aaron’s. Reid just smiled as he read and sipped his coffee.

It would be another few weeks of tension between Rossi and Reid until they were sent to Philadelphia to examine some notebooks and other paraphernalia on a potential unsub. Rossi was quite surprised by exactly how calm and methodical the young agent was while they were going over what was found. He was further impressed when Reid picked up the signature in the missives left by the unsub. 

“Reid,” Rossi knew he wanted to apologize for his behavior towards the agent.

“Yes?” Reid asked slightly distracted by the notebook he was going over.

“Look, I want to apologize for my behavior towards you. You’re a good agent and I had no right to treat you like I did.”

Reid looked up from what he was doing, “I didn’t make it easy for you I guess. I just get excited and sometimes I let my enthusiasm get the better of me. You’re someone I can look up to and I…”

Rossi, for the first time, really saw Reid. He saw what Aaron had tried to tell him, the kid was so starved for an older presence in his life and at that moment he hated Gideon for abandoning this bright young man.

“Reid, it’s okay. I didn’t respond well. I could have handled it better. Let’s just start fresh, okay? Hi I’m David Rossi,” He held out his hand, hoping Reid might actually take it.

Spencer smiled wide and in a rare display took Dave’s hand and shook it, “Hi, I’m Doctor Spencer Reid, nice to meet you.” The two men smiled and then laughed at how ridiculous they were being and it felt good.

“So, electricity huh,” Rossi said and encouraged Reid to go through it with him. 

The team noticed the change between the two men and breathed a collective sigh of relief. This was going to make working with them much easier. So they moved on and found balance with each other. 

Aaron didn’t say anything, just smiled to himself. He knew he made the right decision to send the two of them to Philadelphia. The team became more cohesive and Aaron felt much better about his old mentor being back in the BAU. 

A few weeks later Spencer was at Aaron’s apartment, it wasn’t a Tuesday and it wasn’t a Saturday so Aaron was a little surprised.

“Hey,” Spencer said as he came in carrying some take-out, “I came to see how you were.”

“Spencer, I’m fine. Look, I know I apologized for what happened with Hardwick,”

“Aaron, you don’t have to say anything more. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I know it can’t be easy.”

Aaron sighed, “It’s not, but I’m coping. It’s realizing that the marriage was failing apart long before now and neither one of us wanted to admit it. I’m sorry that I pulled you into my problems…”

Spencer walked up to Aaron and placed a hand on his arm, “Aaron, it’s okay. You needed a friend and you’ve been there for me more times than I can count, let me be here for you.”

Aaron breathed deep then let it out, “Okay.” And that was all it took. They sat next to each other on the couch and talked about all the things that had happened in the previous few months. Gidoen, Rossi and the divorce were the most prevalent topics of conversation. Then there was that physical contact again. Thighs pressed against each other, hands touched, and again Reid leaned down and fell asleep on Aaron’s shoulder, and Aaron didn’t move him.

So it continued, the car rides, dinner on Tuesday’s, movies on Saturday’s and finally the small shared physical touches.


	4. Third Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The friendship between Aaron and Spencer deepens as they deal with some difficult cases.

Reid had gotten in to DC quicker than Aaron who was being driven back by Morgan. He had stopped at one of their favorite Thai restaurants and picked up some food, then swung by a local bakery and got some pastries for in the morning so Aaron wouldn’t have to cook. Then he made his way to Aaron’s apartment and let himself in with the key Hotch had given him months earlier. He curled up on the couch with some books to help keep himself occupied till Hotch arrived home.

“Reid,” He felt himself being shaken up, he had fallen asleep on Aaron’s couch with a book on his chest.

“Hey,” Spencer looked up and smiled at his friend. “I got some Thai food, it’s easy to reheat. It’s there in the fridge whenever you want it.” He sat up and looked at Aaron, “Are you okay Aaron?”

Aaron sat next to Spencer on the couch, “Yeah, I’m okay, still shaken up, but okay.”

Reid contemplated what he wanted to say, “I’m sorry about Kate, Aaron. I sensed that she meant something to you.” He looked over at his boss, hoping he hadn’t crossed any  
boundaries.

“She was a good friend once. And I know what everyone thought. She did look a lot like Haley,” Aaron chuckled lightly. ”Nothing ever happened between us but I’ll admit the attraction was there.” He sat back on the couch, head falling back, “She will be missed.”

The two men sat in silence for a few minutes when Reid finally broke it, “I can heat up the food if you’re hungry,” Spencer asked.

“Sure, thanks Spencer.” He watched the young man putter around the kitchen and it put a smile on his face for some reason. 

“How’s the ear?” Spencer called from the kitchen.

“Um, still a bit painful, but I’ll manage.”

Spencer came around from the kitchen to look at Aaron, “You are going to go see your doctor for that right?” He looked worried for his friend.

Aaron quirked up his brows and looked at Spencer, “I already have an appointment for Monday. What? Are you going to take me to make sure I go Grandpa Reid?” 

Reid smirked at Aaron, “Did you just make a joke?” He chuckled at his boss, “You know just for that I might actually do that very thing.” He stood there challenging his friend.

Aaron laughed an actual full laugh and it put a smile on Spencer’s face, “Well maybe I’ll let you.” He teased, but there was an edge of fear in his tone.

Spencer walked over to Aaron with the plate of food and sat down next to him, “Hey, what’s wrong?” Spencer now fairly comfortable with physical touch when it came to Aaron placed a hand on his unit chief’s leg giving the older man some comfort.

“I’m,” Aaron didn’t want to admit his fears, but if he could confess to anyone it would be Spencer, “Worried Spencer. What if my hearing is bad, what if the doctors won’t let me out in the field again.”

“Aaron, I’m sure you just need to heal. Do you want me to go with you?”

Aaron let out a sigh of relief. Usually he would do this alone, but he decided to let someone in for a change and he was glad that someone was Spencer. “Yes, thank you.”

So, Reid went with Aaron to the doctors and helped him deal with what they told him. Of course Aaron didn’t listen and he insisted on going on the plane when going after The Angel Maker. It didn’t help when he stood too near the loud equipment that exhumed one of the bodies for them to re-examine and later when gunshots went off too near him. The ringing in his ear didn’t go away right away and he knew he couldn’t take any chances by flying. He needed to drive back to DC. Rossi was encouraging him to take his time, but without anyone to go with him he didn’t want to do that. Reid however offered to go with him. Aaron contemplated for a moment and decided it would be a good idea to have someone keep him company on the drive back.

A few days later Reid had left something for Aaron on his desk, a set of safety earplugs specially designed for his type of injury. Aaron was taken aback at the thoughtfulness and made sure to thank the young genius when he got a chance..  
________________________________________________________________________________  
The next few months were quite eventful; a hostage situation Reid and Emily were in almost tore Aaron apart. His best friend was in there for days and there was nothing he could do. When they finally got them out he wanted to pull Spencer into a hug, but he held back. His stoicism took over, but he still let the young agent know how he felt. A few days after getting back there was a present for Spencer on his desk. Aaron had left him a book that he thought Reid would enjoy.

When Reid stayed behind in Las Vegas to pursue the cold case of Riley Jenkins Aaron was worried for him. His abandonment issues with his father were clouding his judgment and Aaron wished that there was something he could do for him. When Reid got back Aaron had found a set of obscure Kurosawa movies on DVD hoping that these would cheer Reid up. When Spencer saw them he smiled and thanked Aaron for his thoughtfulness.

After the Megan Kane case Reid knew what Aaron was going through. Some cases just hit harder than others and for some reason Megan had gotten under Aaron’s skin. Reid wracked his brain trying to think of something to do for his boss when it came to him. He did a case study using Megan Kane and the issues of abandonment and how it affects the family. He dedicated the paper to Megan, hoping to honor Hotch’s wishes that the young woman not disappear or be forgotten. Spencer left it for Hotch to read and his boss was overcome with emotion at the thoughtfulness of his youngest agent.  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
The Reaper, this affected all of them but Hotch especially. He didn’t make the same deal that Shaunessy made, he couldn’t and The Reaper killed several people on a bus. Aaron blamed himself, second guessing his decision to not take the deal. Rossi talked him down, but a part of him still felt responsible.

“Aaron, none of what happened is your fault. You tell us all the time not to take these cases personally, yet here you are blaming yourself.” Reid watched the play of emotions on his bosses face.

“Spencer, I could have taken the deal,”

“No, you couldn’t have. Your conscience would never have let you and you know it Aaron.” 

Aaron took a deep breath, “Your right. We caught him once, we’ll do it again.” Aaron was glad he could talk to someone besides Rossi. Even though he loved Dave as his friend and former mentor sometimes he just couldn’t deal with his smugness. “Thanks Spencer.” He gave the young man a pat on the shoulder.

The present he left this time was more personal, it was Reid’s two year chip with a note that said, “A reminder that no matter how bad it gets, there’s still hope.”

Aaron got up from his desk and went down to Reid’s, “Spencer, you don’t have to..”

Reid cut him off, “I want you to have it. Keep it with you.” Reid smiled as he gathered his things and started to head out. “I’ll see you Saturday.” He waved at his boss as he left the office. 

Aaron returned to his office and contemplated the gift. Reid always had a reason for everything and giving this most personal part of himself made Aaron feel honored.  
___________________________________________________________________________________________  
South Padre Island just off the coast of Texas, a troubled young man who reminded Reid too much of Tobias and how much he had wanted to help him. Reid had been able to compartmentalize the three personalities of the tortured young man so when Adam showed signs of a dissociative personality Reid tried to help. He was making it his personal mission, his grail even to visit Amanda, the alternate personality of Adam Jackson, to help ‘her’ release Adam. His last visit he disparaged of ever finding Adam again and his thoughts went to Tobias.

It was late when he heard a knock on his apartment door. When he opened it he was surprised to see Aaron.

“Aaron?!, What are you doing here?” Confusion colored his voice. 

“I came to check on you. I know this case hit pretty close to home for you. You’ve been there for me so much lately Spencer, I thought I could return the favor.” Hotch smiled as he held up a bag with Ice Cream and another bag with root beer.

“Root beer floats?” Spencer laughed, “At 11:30 at night?” He let the older man in as he shook his head.

“Hey, I can indulge once-in-a-while.” Aaron smiled his brilliant dimple showing smile and it caught something in Spencer’s heart. Of course he would never tell his boss about the crush he had developed. Their friendship was too precious to him.

So they sat and ate the sweet indulgent dessert at almost midnight, comfortable with each in their silence.

“Spencer, you may never be able to get what you’re looking for.” Aaron had waited till they were both done and sitting back on the worn leather couch.

“Does it mean that I stop trying?” His eyes full of turmoil.

Aaron sighed and took Spencer’s hands in his, “You may never get what you’re looking for Spencer.” Aaron says again hoping to get through to the young man.

The young agent frowned, “And what do you think I’m seeking?” Spencer bowed his head a moment before looking into the concerned face of his boss and friend.

“I think you are looking for some kind of absolution in killing Tobias. I think you’ve drawn comparisons between the two men and you believe that if you bring back Adam that somehow it’ll ease what happened to you with Tobias.” Aaron knew he was treading volatile ground, but he wanted to understand where his youngest agents head was.

Spencer frowned and started to bite his lower lip, “How do you do that? How do you see us like you do?” His leg was bouncing up and down frantically at how deeply Aaron was able to see him.

“Spencer, we’ve spent so much time together over the last three years how do I not know you? I’m not telling you what to do here, but just understand that you may never get those answers you seek. Adam may be gone.” Compassion filled his voice as he squeezed the hands he was holding and pulled back. Spencer felt the loss, but didn’t let it show. Instead he looked at Aaron and saw the compassion and understanding in his face.

“I know, you’re right, but I have to at least try.” He smiled sadly. 

Aaron took the glasses into Spencer’s kitchen and put the remnants of their indulgence away. “Well, if you need to talk some more you know where I am. Goodnight Spence.” He patted the young man’s shoulder, walked out the door and went home hoping he had eased the young genius at least a little.  
____________________________________________________________________________________________  
Reid stood in the room looking out the window at his best friends, trying not to worry about what was going to happen to him. The anthrax vial was a deadly dose and Spencer was fully exposed.

“Hotch I really messed up this time,” He looked out and saw the worry on his friends face.

“Reid we need to get you out and to the hospital.”

“No I’m staying right here.” And he did. Spencer eventually figured it out and Dr. Kimura finally convinced him to go to the hospital.

Aaron was trying to keep it together. When he saw Spencer in that lab and heard the worry in the young man’s voice he wanted to reach out, but he knew that what Spencer needed right then was for Hotch to do his job. When he got back to the BAU with the General in tow he excused himself for a few moments.

Aaron knew he needed to keep it together but he needed a little privacy for just a few minutes. He went to his office, shut and locked the door, closed the blinds and worked to get himself under control. He sat down heavy in his office chair and silently cried. He let himself indulge in the silent breakdown for just a few minutes. He knew he couldn’t breakdown in front of the group, but he felt like glass, if they lost Reid he didn’t think any of them could come back from that whole. He knew he wouldn’t. A part of him would be shattered and nothing would be able to put those pieces back together. His best friend, a man he cared about greatly was battling for his life and Aaron felt powerless to help. He reached in his pocket and fingered the chip Reid had given him all those months ago. He remembered the words Reid had written and he tried to have hope. What he could do now was find the partner and at least get some justice for the young genius.

Later, after Chad Brown had been caught, the bio-agent locked up and the cure found Aaron breathed a sigh of relief. He called Haley and Jack to make sure they were okay. He then went home and spent a sleepless night still worrying.

When he got to the hospital the next day and saw Reid sitting up reading he closed his eyes in relief.

“Hey.” He said as he walked into the room.

“Hey yourself.” Reid tried to sit up straighter.

“I brought you some reading material,” Hotch put a stack of books on the sliding tray.

Reid smiled, “Thanks,” 

Aaron walked over and pulled a chair closer to the bed frowned and looked hard Spencer, “God Spencer. Don’t do that again.” His voice was thick with emotion.

“Hotch…Aaron, I’m,” He didn’t know what to say, “I’m okay. Dr. Kimura figured out the cure after we found the inhaler. “ Reid wanted to say more, wanted to tell Hotch how scared he really was, to tell him how he felt, to force Aaron to admit his feelings, but he didn’t do any of that. What he did was smile and reassure his friend that he was okay. 

When he finally got released from medical leave and was able to go back to work there sitting on his desk was a cup of coffee from his favorite coffee shop with a sweet pastry. Aaron had also left a small gift. It was a pocket watch, but not just any ordinary pocket watch it was a replica of the watch The Master uses in the season four finale of Doctor Who. Reid sat back and held it in his hand, emotion overcoming him. He made his way up to Hotch’s office.

“Hotch,” He looked at the watch then at his friend, “This is too much.”

Aaron smiled, “No it’s not.” He then went back to doing paperwork effectively cutting off whatever the young genius was going to say.

So, it continued, the car rides, dinner on Tuesday’s, movies on Saturday’s, the small shared physical touches and now gift giving often at the end of their more difficult cases.

What neither man knew, however, was that one of their toughest years was yet to come.


	5. Fourth Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer helps Aaron deal with Foyet's attack and takes care of him. Haley's death impacts them both in ways that they may never understand.

Spencer rushed to the hospital as fast as his crutches would allow him. When he saw Aaron in the bed all bandaged he closed his eyes and tried to calm the frantic beating of his heart.

“Spencer,” Aaron opened his eyes to see the man that had become so important to him over the last few years standing in the doorway. 

“Hey, when Emily told me she found you in the hospital,” He frowned as he looked at his friend, his boss. “I swear in that moment I really didn’t care about the Doctor we were trying to protect.” He sat down in the chair next to his boss. “Then I thought what a horrible person I was being.”

Aaron huffed out a small laugh, though they both knew that this situation was anything but amusing. “When Emily told me you were shot,” Aaron closed his eyes for a moment, “I thought Foyet had gotten to you.” He turned to look at the young genius and something passed between them, something deep and new. 

Spencer looked away after a while and cleared his throat, “I um, I’m sorry about Haley and Jack.” He looked like he wanted to cry but he fought back the tears, “I wish,” He swallowed past the lump in his throat.

“Spencer, he’ll be back. I’ll get them back.” But Spencer could see the fear in his unit chief’s eyes.

“I know, and we’re here for you Hotch. I’m here,” 

Aaron sadly smiled, “I know Reid, I know.” 

Aaron was released from the hospital a few days later with instructions that he wasn’t to go back to work for at least three weeks. Aaron protested, but the Doctors and Spencer had to remind him of the seriousness of his wounds. He was ordered bed rest for the first week with minimal moving around.

Dave was the one who came to the hospital and took both Aaron and Spencer home. Spencer took it upon himself to essentially move-in with Aaron to help him out. The crutches weren’t a hindrance, he could move around fairly easily with them. Aaron of course protested, but between Spencer and Dave giving him the option of either Spencer stay with him or Dave would, he opted for Spencer. Dave would be nosy and intrusive. Spencer would at least respect his privacy.

For the first week Spencer helped him with his bandages, made sure he took the antibiotics properly and made sure he stayed in bed like the Doctor ordered. Aaron also came to find out what a decent cook Spencer was and was secretly glad that the young man was there, though he’d never admit it to anyone. 

“What are you doing?” Spencer asked when he found Aaron going over the Foyet files once again.

“I still can’t believe that I didn’t see it.” He said quietly.

“Aaron, you have to get over that.” Spencer took the file from Aaron’s hand. He wasn’t intimidated when Aaron glared at him. “You have to put this aside, at least for now or it’s going to drive you crazy.” He sat down on the bed next to his friend and contemplated what he wanted to say. “Aaron don’t let him play mind games with you. I know how this is messing with your head, but you can’t let it. We will find him and we will get Haley and Jack back.”

Aaron looked at his friend and knew the words were true, but he had been formulating a plan. It was crazy and it was risky but it was what was going to draw the bastard out. He just needed to get Strauss on board.

“Spencer,” He watched the play of emotions on the younger man’s face and felt he owed him something. “Look I have a plan and I need you to trust me on this. It will seem insane to you and everyone else, but please,” He hoped that at least one member of the team would be behind him when the plan slowly started to unfold.

“Aaron I trust you implicitly.” And he knew the minute the words were out of his mouth that they were true.

The next couple of weeks were filled with getting Aaron up and about and to his Doctor’s appointments. The wounds had healed just as the Doctor expected and it was mostly due to Spencer’s brow beating.

“Reid,” Aaron looked over at Spencer as he was driving them back to his apartment.

“Yeah Hotch?”

“I want to thank you, for everything.” 

“You don’t have to Hotch, you’re my friend and I wanted to do it.” Spencer smiled.

“Well, anyway it made it not so hard with ah…you there.” Aaron wanted to say more, but he just didn’t know how. Something had changed between them in the three weeks that Spencer was there but he didn’t want to speculate on it. Not now, not when his family was out there and in danger.

Spencer just smiled. Aaron had taken him home and he was a little sad that he’d no longer be spending his time with his best friend. He knew without him there Aaron was going to obsess about Foyet. He also knew that Aaron was going to put whatever plan he came up with into action and he just had to trust his unit chief that he knew what he was doing.

In the end it was Foyet who go the upper hand. When he killed Haley, Spencer’s heart broke for his friend. He thanked god that Jack was okay because if anything had happened to his son Spencer knew Aaron would never have come back from that.

The funeral was solemn and Spencer’s heart was breaking watching Aaron deliver the eulogy. He didn’t know how to help, but he felt that somehow just his presence was help enough. Back at the funeral home, where they were holding the gathering of friends and family Reid waited till Rossi was finished talking with Aaron.

He got up and moved to stand next to Aaron, “I’m so sorry Aaron. I know we’ve all said it a hundred times, but I really am sorry. She took me in when I was struggling and I never got a chance-“ He looked down and tried to stem the tide of emotions threatening him.

“Reid, she knew. She never expected thanks.” He looked over at his youngest agent, “Spencer she cared about you, she’d often ask me how you were. She missed those movie nights, but she understood.” He placed a hand on Spencer’s shoulder.

“I came out here to offer comfort to you and you end up comforting me, how is that right?” They both let out a soft slightly sad laugh. 

Just then JJ called to him that they had a case. Reid showed his irritation, “Hotch, I’ll stay if you want me to. I’m still hobbling around with this,” He held up his cane, “I can work with Garcia.”

Aaron thought about it for a moment, he almost said yes but he didn’t, “No, you go. I’ll be okay Spencer.” They looked at each other for a minute as Spencer gave him a sad smile and walked away.

The case didn’t take too long and Spencer was anxious to get back home. He waited a couple of days before he called Aaron to see how he was doing. When he didn’t get an answer he thought he knew where Aaron might be. He decided to take a chance and went to the cemetery. When he got there he saw Dave talking to Aaron, he laughed quietly to himself at how well the two of them knew their boss. Spencer waited till Dave was gone to make his approach.

Spencer didn’t say anything he just sat down next to the unit chief and quietly contemplated. 

“You’re coming back.” Spencer said more a statement rather than a question.

Aaron frowned and looked over at the young genius, “And how do you know that?” 

“Because you can’t do anything else, because not to come back lets him win, because you want to show Jack what superheroes are made of.” Spencer turned then to look at Aaron. He saw an amused look on the older man’s face.

“Reid, are you profiling me?” 

“No. I just know you better than everyone else, that’s all.”

The silence continued and Aaron was grateful that Spencer always knew what he needed.

“I’m not going to give you all the platitudes that everyone else has because I truly don’t know what you’re going through. However, I am going to tell you a story.”

“Oh, really?” Aaron looked sideways with a confused look on his face.

“I was fourteen it was my first year at CalTech. You can’t truly understand how lonely and scary that really is. I knew it was what I wanted, but again I was in a situation where everyone else was older, more experienced. I met this girl Shannon, she was seventeen and brilliant, funny and one of the sweetest people I’v e ever known. She kind of took me under her wing she made me feel not so alone. We became fast friends. I wasn’t the freaky little kid with her and she didn’t even mind my rambling off into tangents.” Spencer stared off into the cemetery gathering his thoughts. Aaron was patient because he knew that Spencer never said anything that didn’t have meaning.

“She was the one that introduced me to Doctor Who. I’d seen an episode here and there, but with my Mom,” He frowned and took a deep breath, “Anyway, she helped me a lot. Besides Ethan she was the first real friend I had ever had.” His eyes misted remembering the girl who helped him so much. 

Aaron’s heart was breaking that it took fourteen years for someone to see Spencer as a friend. He just laid a hand on his knee and again waited patiently.

Spencer cleared his throat, “She, ah, she was killed by a drunk driver. He had been drinking all night at this dive bar on Colorado Street. She was out with some friends, dinner, movies that kind of thing. She was crossing the street when he came out of one of the parking garages going the wrong way. She died on the way to the hospital.” Spencer pulled back his tears, this story wasn’t for him, it was for Aaron.

“I know it’s not the same, but I know what it’s like to lose someone close to you. Nothing anyone says makes it go away. With her gone I was alone again and for a long time it hurt. I buried myself in schoolwork because I didn’t have anyone to help me through it. I got to the point where I wasn’t eating properly or taking care of myself and luckily Ethan intervened.” He looked up at Aaron, looking at his face for the first time since he sat down, “But, you’re not me Aaron, you’re not a scared lonely fourteen year old boy. You have people who care, people who will help, if you let us.” He nodded once at his boss and got up and started to make his way to his car.

Aaron watched him go and for some reason what Spencer shared was the most honest and sincere form of help that he had heard in the whole time he was dealing with Haley’s death. He watched the young man limping slowly to his car and made a decision.

“Spencer,” Aaron got up and walked over.

“Yes, Aaron?” Spencer stopped and waited.

“Come to dinner. Jack’s missed you and I think he could use a friend right now.” Spencer smiled and understood the double meaning.

Spencer smiled, “I’d like that.” The two men stood for a while just looking at each other as another bond was formed. The sharing of loss was a powerful thing and they were caught in the wave of their shared grief. Spencer broke eye contact first as he cleared his throat, “I’ll ah, I’ll see you in a little bit.”

“Okay.” Aaron walked to his car feeling a little bit lighter than he had in the weeks before or after Haley’s death.  
___________________________________________________________________________________________  
Aaron, Spencer and Jack had a good evening with each other. When Jack saw Spencer he jumped in the genius’s arms and held on. He cried on Spencer’s shoulder and the young man let him. When Jack finally calmed down they were able to have a nice dinner together.

Jack asked if Spencer could tell him a story and Aaron was more than fine with it. After Spencer got Jack settled and tucked in he came out to the living room to where Aaron was sitting on the couch with his head back and eyes closed.

“Thank you Reid, for being there.” Aaron had opened his eyes and looked at his subordinate with a fresh understanding.

Spencer sat down next to Aaron, “You’re my friend Aaron and nothing is going to change that. We’ve been there a lot for each other.” All of a sudden Aaron leaned in towards Spencer so close that Spencer didn’t move, couldn’t move if he wanted to.

They stayed like that for a long moment the air heavy with their silence, slowly, so very slowly Aaron reached his hand up and cupped Spencer’s cheek, then he continued moving till he laid his lips on Spencer’s kissing him. At first Spencer didn’t know what to do. He’d thought about this, fantasized even, but he knew Aaron was straight and nothing could ever come of it. But here Aaron was kissing him and Spencer didn’t know what to think. 

Reid stopped thinking for once and let himself go and let himself be kissed. He responded by kissing Aaron back, and slowly lifted his hand to Aaron’s hair carding his fingers through it and pulling him closer.

Aaron broke off eyes wide, “I ah, I don’t know why I did that,” His breath was shallow, “I’m sorry Spencer-“

“Shh, it’s okay Aaron.” Spencer smiled and leaned towards his boss capturing his mouth slowly deepening the kiss.

Aaron woke in the morning to the feel of someone curled around him. He closed his eyes for a moment. He didn’t regret the evening, but he knew it couldn’t happen again. There were too many complications here at home and at the office. His arms came around the young genius and he pulled him in tight wanting the contact once more before reality set in.

“Mmm, what time is it?” Spencer asked sleepily.

“Just after 6:00.” Aaron looked down at the half-asleep form of his best friend. He cleared his throat, “Spencer,” 

“Yes, Aaron?” The young man propped himself up on his elbow, his hair tumbling forward messily. Aaron’s heart stopped as he looked up at his youngest agent. 

“Last night was-“ Spencer put a finger on Aaron’s lips.

“Aaron, I have no illusions. I know we crossed a line and, well this can’t happen again, but I’m not sorry that it happened. You needed something, someone and I willingly gave. No regrets, okay?” 

Aaron closed his eyes happy and sad at the same time for the understanding, “No regrets.”

“Now, I’m going to get up, take a shower, get dressed and go make you pancakes. Okay?” 

“Okay.” Aaron smiled sadly. It’s not that he regretted the evening he was regretting his own fears that held him back, it was the pain of losing Haley and the need to focus on Jack. No, he’d never regret that he had found a healing peace for at least one night, but he regretted that it was only for one night.

He got up and showered, it was Saturday and he knew Spencer didn’t have to go into the office. He came up behind the genius, wanting to grab him and hold him, but he held back. He just laid a hand on Spencer’s shoulder and sighed.

“Breakfast will be ready in a little bit.” Reid smiled that adorable boyish smile that was so endearing. Jack was still sleeping, so the two men let him. Spencer had the pancakes resting on a tray in the oven while he was getting the rest of the meal prepared.

“So, is this going to be something we don’t talk about, or will it sometimes come up in conversation when we’re alone?” Reid smiled again and it caught in Aaron’s heart again, but he wasn’t ready to accept it.

“I think we are both mature enough that if it comes up in conversation we’d be able to talk about it.” Aaron took a sip of coffee that he had poured for himself.

“I know you want to ask me, I can almost feel it.”

“You never talk about dating, not like Morgan or sometimes Prentiss does and definitely not like Dave does.” Aaron quirked up a brow as he looked for signs of discomfort from Reid.

“If I told Morgan about my dating life, do you think that he would leave it alone?”

“No, probably not.” Aaron laughed thinking about how Morgan would tease the young man he thought of as a little brother.

“I think the reason we are such good friends Hotch is that we are both pretty private and what we tell each other stays between us, no matter how small or trivial. For example, if I tell you that I am bisexual but lean more towards liking men, you would file it away in that box in your head labeled Dr. Spencer Reid. It wouldn’t go anywhere else. I tell Morgan then he would try to set me up, suggest going to any number of clubs that cater to the gay community or any number of other mortifying or humiliating activities to get me to date more. I do fine on my own, I just don’t advertise it.”

Aaron huffed out a laugh, “So, Reid are you telling me in your own roundabout way that you are bisexual but lean towards men?” He asked playfully.

Spencer smiled towards Aaron, “Yes.” But his tone was serious. “Just, don’t say anything Aaron.”

“I won’t, you know I’d never disrespect you’re privacy Reid.” Aaron decided to take one last kiss as he grabbed the back of Reid’s neck and pulled the young genius towards him.

When they broke apart, Spencer cleared his throat, “And you Aaron? Are you not 100% straight? Was last night an anomaly?” Spencer asked with all seriousness.

“Yes, Spencer. I am straight, but like I said, I don’t regret anything.” His heart was beating with this unknown feeling which he didn’t want to acknowledge.

Just then they heard the patter of little feet, “Daddy?” Jack looked to see the two men standing there.

“Hey buddy, good morning,”

“Uncle Spencer,” Jack yelled as he ran in the kitchen and grabbed onto Spencer’s leg.

“Hey buddy,” Spencer looked down and ruffled the young boy’s hair. “You want some pancakes?” 

“Yay,” Jack bounced on his feet.

“Come on Jack, let’s get you cleaned-up, okay?” Aaron bent down and picked-up Jack to get him cleaned up and changed. 

Spencer knew their discussion was done, and he didn’t know if they would ever come back to it. For now though he was content to feed the two Hotchner men, caring for them at a time when they were both hurting and vulnerable.

So, now their relationship included comforting each other in times of need and possibly morning pancakes, along with their dinners and movies nights, the physical touches, carpooling and gift giving. 

One thing they didn’t talk about, but each man secretly ached for was the intimacy they had found in the face of horrible tragedy. That one night impacted each man deeply leaving a mark on their hearts, but they both denied it. They denied just how deeply it connected them.


	6. Fifth Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ is taken from the team, Aaron starts to suspect something about Reid's headaches and the difficult decision to keep the team in the dark shatters something in Aaron.

It was late at the BAU and Spencer was just sitting at his desk, head down and his heart was heavy. Aaron was finished and on his way home. The events of the day lay heavy on his heart as well. The team lost a valuable member and friend when the State Department insisted that JJ be transferred.

“Reid?” Aaron saw the young genius was still at his desk, but not really concentrating on anything.

Spencer wiped a hand over his face before he looked up at Aaron, “Yeah Hotch?” He asked in a not quite steady voice.

Aaron sighed. He wanted to go home to Jack. The boy was still so devastated by his mother’s loss that Aaron was trying to get home earlier so that he could be with him more. But when he looked at Spencer he saw that his youngest agent had been crying. 

Aaron sat in a chair opposite Spencer, “I’m going to make you a promise Spencer”

“What?” He asked as he looked down at his hands.

“I’m going to get her back, that’s what. It may not be right away, but I am going to fight this and get her back, okay?” 

“Well, you’ve never let me down before Hotch. I believe you.” Spencer smiled sadly.

“Let me take you home Reid and remember that she told you she’s still here. There’s no reason you can’t visit. I know, it’s not the same.” He anticipated what Spencer was going to say.

“I know, I’m just going to miss her when we’re out on cases.” Reid frowned as he tried hard not to be upset that the sister of his heart was gone from the team.

“Reid, come on let’s go home.” Aaron patted the young man on the shoulder. But when he looked back he noticed that Spencer hadn’t moved, he also noticed that he was rubbing his eyes as if he was in pain. Aaron walked back over to Spencer’s desk.

“Reid, are you okay?” Aaron asked with concern in his voice.

Reid looked up and saw Aaron’s concern, “I’m um, I’m fine,” He said as he squinted, “Just a bit of a headache Hotch, I’ll be okay.”

“Reid, you know you can tell me if there is anything wrong, right?” 

“I know, I’ll be okay, it was just a stressful day, that’s all.” Reid got up grabbed his bag and headed out the door with Aaron.

Aaron ached to reach up and touch Spencer but he held back. The memory of their night together still crept up on him sometimes and it left an ache in his heart that he knew could never be acted on, or so he told himself. He more than once over the last few months had to take matters in hand when it got to be too much.

He drove home after dropping Reid off and worried about the young genius and hoped that he could make good on his promise to get JJ back on the team. He was angry that the State Department didn’t respect the wishes of him and his own agent and he wasn’t sure of their agenda, but he was determined to find out.

Unfortunately no amount of investigation told him who really wanted JJ or what she was doing. It gave him a bad feeling, but he trusted her and knew that whatever was going on she was strong enough to handle it.  
______________________________________________________________________________________  
Hotch was worried about Reid. He noticed the dark glasses more and how he was drinking more tea than coffee. During briefings Reid sometimes zoned out just a bit. At first he was worried that for some reason Reid had fallen back to drugs. He worried that their one night together might have affected his youngest agent and best friend more than he realized, but he soon figured out that wasn’t the case.

They were in Miami Florida and this time Reid was wearing the dark glasses almost constantly. When he went off on his own after the unsub Hotch grew frustrated. The last time this happened they almost didn’t get him back. They quickly found him in a house across from Elian Morales’s community center. He had subdued the unsub and was now talking to Elian who had just given something to Reid and walked off.

“What do you need protecting from?” Hotch asked as he overheard the conversation between Elian and Reid.

“I have no idea,” Reid couldn’t quite look Hotch in the face as his voice trembled slightly with emotion.

“Are you alright?” Hotch asked genuine concern laced every word.

“Yeah, oh yeah, yeah I ah pretended to have a headache in order to distract them,” Reid tried to play it off but he somehow knew Hotch didn’t really believe him.

“Pretended?” Hotch asked with a tiny bit of sarcasm because he knew Spencer was lying.

“Yeah, pretended,” Spencer didn’t look Hotch in the eye as he bowed his head and left the room.

A few hours later after processing the scene and interviewing the suspect they had all gone back to the hotel to get some rest before they left in the morning to go back home.

There was a knock on Reid’s door and he let out a sigh as he saw Hotch standing there. “Um, what are you doing here Hotch?” He asked slightly confused.

“Reid, I think we know each other too well by now that I know when you are lying.” Hotch said as he pushed past his subordinate and friend and entered the room.

“Aaron, I’m fine okay?” Spencer winced at the pain in his head.

“You are obviously not fine. Have you seen a doctor?” Concern for his friend laced every word.

Reid wanted to lie wanted to keep up the charade that everything was okay, but he couldn’t not with Hotch. So he sighed deeply, “Yes. That’s why I was late to the briefing, I had an MRI done.” 

“Okay,” Reid was glad that Hotch didn’t ask a million questions, he didn’t push and prod like Morgan and Reid was always grateful that his unit chief was often a man of little words but they always had meaning when he did speak. “When do you get the results?” Aaron asked.

“I have an appointment on Friday.” Reid sat down on the bed and closed his eyes against the pain in his head.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Hotch quietly asked as he sat next to his youngest agent on the bed.

Reid was going to say no, but he remembered the times he helped out Hotch, “Yea, yea could you?”

“Of course,” Hotch could see that Reid was still suffering, “What are you taking for them?”

“I’m just taking some high dose Motrin. Many of the migraine medications have terrible side effects and the strongest ones available are narcotic in nature.” He didn’t elaborate more, he didn’t need to. The unspoken fear was there.

Hotch sighed, he moved to the head of the bed and leaned against the headboard, “Come here, sit in front of me with your back facing me.” 

“Um Hotch, why?” Reid was confused and apprehensive.

“Spencer, just indulge me?” Hotch didn’t want to think about how there was a double meaning in his statement. Reid obeyed and positioned himself like Hotch asked and ignored the heat burning his cheeks as he thought of the vulnerable position he was now currently in.

“Take of your vest and loosen your shirt.” He ordered.

“Hotch,” Reid was apprehensive and he let it show in his voice. 

“Just do it,” Hotch ordered.

Reid took off his vest and tie and loosened up his dress shirt as Hotch asked. When he felt strong hands start to massage his shoulders at first he tensed up. 

“Relax Reid,” Hotch said softly. And slowly Reid relaxed and let his unit chief, his friend try to help. After a few minutes it started working his neck and shoulders were relaxing and the pain lessened in his head.

“There are lavender eye pillows that help also. Haley would get migraines during her pregnancy and we tried a lot of homeopathic treatments. I can look to see if I can find her books-” Hotch’s hands stilled as he took a deep breath fighting to reign in his emotions. Part of him still felt frozen in place, like he couldn’t move on even though he knew he needed to. After a minute he gained control and went back to massaging Reid’s shoulders and neck.

“Um, only if you can find them,” Reid tried to get back that relaxing atmosphere that permeated the room just moments before. “Thank you, Aaron. That did help.”

“Get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning,” Hotch started to walk out of the room.

“Aaron,” Reid sat up and took a deep breath, “Please stay.” He wasn’t sure what he was asking and Hotch wasn’t sure of the answer. When his hand reached the handle he hesitated a moment then looked back at his friend.

“Okay,” Hotch walked over turned off the light stripped down to his t-shirt and boxers and laid down. Reid did the same and curled up on the other bed in the room as he tried to relax enough to sleep. 

Hotch watched Reid toss and turn as he tried to get comfortable. Hotch sighed deeply before he got up and laid down behind Reid. He pulled the younger man to his chest and started to rub his temples. Reid relaxed even more not just because of the massage, but also the body behind him holding him. He quickly fell asleep content for the first time in a long time.

They woke several hours later with Hotch stretched out on his back and Reid curled up next to him with his head on Hotch’s chest.

“Um Aaron,” Reid sat up feeling better than he had in a long time.

“Nothing happened Reid.” Aaron smiled. He was sorely tempted for something to happen but again that frozen state he was in and those ingrained fears held him back.

“I know that, of course,” Reid was suddenly flustered. Hotch hadn’t held him like that since their night together and he didn’t want to admit how good it actually felt.

“How is your headache?” Hotch deflected the conversation and Reid knew that no amount of prodding would get Aaron to open up.

“Better, thank you.” There was more meaning in those two words but Hotch didn’t want to explore it, didn’t want to bring-up possibilities and his fears. So many things were holding him back and he knew that one day Reid was going to slip through his fingers and he’ll lose something precious before he even had it.

“Well, I’ll let you get ready to leave.” Hotch cleared his throat and it felt like the morning after that night several months before and he didn’t know why he felt like suddenly grieving. He pushed all those feelings down as he slowly got dressed and went back to his room.

Spencer sat on the edge of his bed cursing himself. He thought that if he got Hotch to stay one night that maybe, just maybe he’d admit what was really happening between them. However the opposite happened. Hotch again pushed everything down and Reid thought not for the first time that he was going to have to learn to move on and it broke his heart just a little.

Aaron still went with Spencer to get his results and when they came back negative Spencer stormed out of the hospital and sat fuming in Aaron’s car.

“So I take it that it didn’t go well.” Aaron said dryly.

“He said there’s nothing wrong. That’s the third doctor to say that Hotch. He tried to tell me…” His lips thinned and Aaron could see the anger on Reid’s face.

“Tried to tell you what?” Aaron asked gently.

“He tried to tell me that they could be psychosomatic and had the goddamn balls to tell someone with a goddamn masters degree in psychology what the fuck psychosomatic means. I’m not crazy Hotch-“ He angrily yells.

Aaron stopped him mid rant, “Spencer! Stop, I know you’re not so calm down.”

Spencer was breathing heavy and the pain was worsening, “I’m sorry. I’m just frustrated.” He laid his head back and tried to breath deep.

“Let’s get you home and comfortable. We’ll figure this out, I promise.” He wanted to grab Spencer’s hand to reassure him but Aaron didn’t, again he held back. He kept telling himself, he’s just a friend, my best friend but just a friend. Fear is a powerful thing and Aaron kept believing that if he takes that step over the line, he just might shatter and break something precious.  
___________________________________________________________________________________________  
Emily’s dead, Emily’s dead, Emily’s dead, kept going through Spencer’s mind as he sat curled up on the floor next to his couch. He’d recently spent a lot of time at JJ’s crying, trying to understand how one of his best friends could be dead. But now he just wanted to be alone, he wanted the silence, he wanted the dilauded. It was sitting there on his table and he stared at it, could almost taste it flowing through his veins, taking him to that space he needed to get away. It was calling to him like never before.

There was a knock on his door but he ignored it. He didn’t want to see or speak to anyone. His mind was whirling with too many thoughts, mostly haunted by those who have left him in one way or another.

“Spencer, open this door.” Aaron had been frantic. Spencer hadn’t shown up at JJ’s in days, he also wasn’t answering his phone. He’d come to work and Aaron could feel the waves of grief off of him. The grief assessment didn’t do justice to how much his best friend was hurting. And he’d asked for a few days off, which was not like him and it worried Aaron.

“Spencer, open the door, please,” Aaron pleaded this time. Spencer finally gave in and opened the door just so his neighbors wouldn’t complain.

Aaron took in his appearance, pajamas, three day growth on his face, hair disheveled and an old stained bathrobe. The apartment was no better. Take out boxes and coffee cups littered everywhere. This wasn’t like Reid and Aaron’s fear grew.

Spencer huffed out a sigh as he slowly got up and opened the door. “What do you want Hotch?” He asked with reservation.

“I’m worried about you. You haven’t been answering your phone and JJ called to say you haven’t come around in a few days. I know after the assessments it wasn’t easy for you.” Aaron wanted to reach out but he held back.

“Fine, you’ve seen me now go away.” He started to shut the door.

Aaron put his foot out to stop the door from closing. He knew something was terribly wrong so he shoved Spencer and the door aside and took a few long strides in. When he saw the bottle out in the open his face blanched.

“Spencer,” Aaron quietly whispered, “Please tell me you haven’t.”

“No, no I haven’t. I’ve been sitting staring at it, but I don’t see where it’s any of your business.” Spencer wanted to yell at him to get out but he didn’t. He knew deep down he was in crisis and if Aaron walked back out that door Spencer might not recover.

Aaron snatched it up and put it in his pocket, “Is there more?” His tone was hard and he was angry at Spencer for not coming to him in the first place. But of course Aaron couldn’t tell Spencer the truth, couldn’t tell him that Emily was actually alive, though he wanted to more than anything. It was breaking his heart to lie to the genius. Especially when he promised Spencer he never would. Deep down inside he knew that when or if it’s revealed that Emily is alive there was that real possibility that his friendship or whatever it was he had with Reid would be over. He was unfortunately willing to take that risk to keep Emily alive, but at the same time it was shattering a piece of his heart. He knew his best friend was going to feel betrayed. Reid’s anger is usually righteous and it will be directed mostly, hopefully at him and not JJ. He didn’t think he could stand the guilt if that relationship was ruined. He came out of these thoughts as Spencer finally spoke-up.

“No,” Spencer said quietly as he curled up tightly on his couch, “No just the one bottle. I don’t know why, I just,” He buried his face in his legs and started to cry. He wasn’t even sure why he was crying anymore. There wasn’t anything he could do to bring Emily back, but yet again his abandonment issues reared their ugly head.

Aaron sat down next to Reid and pulled him into his arms. His heart was heavy with guilt but he wanted to comfort Spencer as much as he could. When he calmed down he laid his head on Aaron’s shoulder.

“I miss her Aaron. She was funny, kind, and she understood my geekiness,” He didn’t want to cry anymore, didn’t want to hurt anymore, “I just,” He took a deep breath as his lips brushed against Aaron’s neck. It was soft, subtle and Aaron moaned in pleasure at the feel of those lips on his neck. He wanted to push Spencer away, but he didn’t.

By the time they were in Spencer’s bed, naked and kissing Aaron knew he was lost. He had promised himself that this wasn’t going to happen again, but it had been so long. So long since someone had touched him like Spencer was and maybe it was his turn to give the young genius the same comfort he had received after Haley’s death. If a part of him felt guilty he pushed it aside for now and he’d think about it later. 

Afterwards as they lay curled around each other Aaron’s mind was whirling _what have I done_ kept repeating in his head. 

“Aaron for god sakes for once in your life just stop thinking and do what you want for a change.” Spencer said as he clutched tightly to his friend, lover, friend, Spencer wasn’t sure what they were. They never talked about what they meant to each other each one fearing the question and the answer.

Aaron closed his eyes tight against the tears that wanted to flow because he felt he was betraying this beautiful, intelligent, funny, sweet man that was in his arms. He wanted to tell him everything, wanted to tell him about Emily, about how he felt, how he’d always felt but he didn’t. Instead he turned once more to Spencer and let himself get lost in that pliant willing body under him. He didn’t think anymore but he felt too much and when he knew Spencer was asleep he left. 

Those frozen places in him had shattered and it was painful. He broke open under the body of his best friend and it hurt. He wanted to cry, to scream, to let himself have this confusing, wonderful, beautiful relationship but he got scared. Fear of himself, fear of what the team would think, fear that he’d lose his job or his son all those fears came rushing at him all at once and he ran.

When the morning came and Spencer found his bed empty he wasn’t surprised. He knew something profound had happened to Aaron and he figured that Aaron would run. This time there was no morning breakfast with cheeky conversation. There was pain and sorrow as his heart broke yet again. He knew they wouldn’t talk about this one, that it would go unspoken, no quiet talks if it came up in conversation. No thank you’s for the comfort, no pleasant memories, no not this time. Something enormous happened and Spencer knew that he’d never get Aaron to open up, to tell him what happened and it made him a little angry. He started to distance himself, started to protect his heart and the shattered remains of his life. He started to drive himself again, got his own coffee, stopped with the gifts because he just couldn’t. 

Aaron noticed Spencer pulling away and he knew he was the cause and he thought that maybe it would be better this way. That maybe it would lessen the blow when he could bring Emily back and reveal the truth in their ruse. It hurt and there were times when he’d stare out into the bullpen and his heart would ache. He wished he could go back to that frozen state but it was too late.


	7. Sixth Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily is revealed to be alive and Spencer doesn't take it well. Aaron meets Beth and it breaks Spencer's heart. The two men try to get some of their friendship back, and Aaron confesses some of his feelings for Spencer to Dave.

Aaron was sitting in his apartment with the lights off and a large glass of scotch in his hands. He had Jessica keep Jack for the weekend because he knew he was not going to be in the right frame of mind to take care of his son. Bringing Emily back and revealing the truth in their ruse went pretty much how he thought it would. The part that hurt the most was Reid’s reaction to JJ. Aaron knew that relationship was broken and there was nothing he could do to help fix it. When he heard the pounding on his door he almost instinctively knew who it was. He sighed in resignation as he got up from the couch and opened the door to see a seething Spencer Reid.

The young man stormed into Aaron’s apartment, “How the hell could you do that to me Hotch?” Not Aaron no that went out the window months ago when Aaron had abandoned him after they had slept together. 

“Reid, we were trying to keep Emily sa-“ Reid cut him off and Aaron was right his friend’s anger was righteous.

“You fucking lied to me. You could have told me the truth, you know that I wouldn’t have said a goddamn thing. And turn on a damn light Hotch.” Reid stalked off to the other side of the living room.

Aaron turned on the lights and it startled him. He blinked several times to get himself adjusted to the bright glare before he answered Reid, Spencer, Reid, _dammit_ his feelings were confused and he didn’t know what to do about it. He didn’t know how to make this right.

“And what would you have done if any of you knew and one of Doyle’s men had taken you?” Aaron didn’t want to think about that, didn’t want to think about Reid, Spencer, _fuck_ , being captured again.

“I didn’t betray any of you when Tobias had me, what makes you think I would have if Doyle’s men had tried? Do you think they could have done anything worse to me? Do you really think that I’m that weak?” Spencer was breathing hard he was angry because he was hurt that Hotch didn’t trust him and that was what hurt the most. “I can’t believe you didn’t trust me, trust us-“ He cut himself off trying to calm down but it wasn’t working.

Aaron closed his eyes trying to get his emotions under control. He didn’t want to lash out at the young man because he knew how deeply he had betrayed Spencer’s friendship.

“Reid, I don’t think you’re weak, not at all. After everything you’ve been through I think you are one of the strongest men I’ve ever known.” Hotch frowned deeply as he watched the younger man pace. “Look, we trusted _you_ but we didn’t trust them. JJ and I didn’t trust them not to hurt you, any of you. We were sincerely trying to protect everyone.” Aaron was trying to get Spencer to understand, but he knew he wasn’t getting through to him.

“You know what Hotch? Keep telling yourself that.” Spencer stormed out the door and went home.

“Dammit,” Aaron growled out to no one in particular.  
_____________________________________________________________________________________________  
The team dinner went better than Aaron had anticipated and he was genuinely surprised when Spencer showed up. There was still a lot of tension but he hoped that in time they could at least get a little of their friendship back.

It was late when most everyone went home but Aaron stayed around at Rossi’s for a little longer. He helped him clean up and hoped he could talk to the older man.

A glass of scotch appeared before him as Rossi took a seat across from his friend.

“What’s on your mind Aaron?” Dave knew something was going on with his friend but he’d been patient and waited till Aaron was ready to talk.

“I messed up Dave. Spencer,” He took a deep breath and downed the scotch, “He’s still so angry at me.” Aaron frowned down into the glass he was holding.

“Aaron, what’s really going on? You’ve never second guessed yourself on major decisions like this.” Dave had a pretty good idea, but he was wondering if Aaron was even admitting it to himself.

Aaron swallowed hard, “I’ve lost Reid’s friendship and I miss it. I don’t know how to get it back.” He slumped back in the chair and just stared off to the side.

_So, still going to deny what you really feel, okay I’ll play along for now_. Rossi thought to himself.

“It wasn’t just Emily was it?” Dave looked at his friend knowingly.

“Dave,” Aaron didn’t want to talk about that night and he hoped Dave wouldn’t prod.

“Aaron you’ve been standoffish and Reid has been nothing but purely professional with you. That isn’t like the two of you and it started before you told us about Emily being alive. Now, what is going on.” Dave pushed because he knew Aaron needed to talk it out.

_Of course he is going to prod_ , Aaron thought. He sat there for a while wondering if he should tell Dave the truth.

“I slept with him,” The words were out before Aaron even thought about it. He hadn’t meant to say it. It was something private between him and Spencer, Reid, Spencer, _goddamn it_. 

“Okay,” Rossi wasn’t sure what to think about that. He took a quick swallow of his scotch. “Did you freak out Aaron?” He thought that maybe Aaron’s ingrained fears may have caused him to get scared.

“Not exactly.” _In for a penny_ , He thought, “It was actually the second time. We ah, we were together a few days after Haley’s funeral. He stayed and we had breakfast together” He closed his eyes trying to clamp down on his emotions.

Dave took a deep breath before he continued, “So, what was different the second time Aaron.”

“I felt so guilty. I couldn’t tell him about Emily and,” He looks to the side, “I don’t know what happened Dave, but all those frozen places broke open and I didn’t know what to do. He,” Aaron stopped talking, “You know what, I need to get home. Jack was expecting me a while ago.” 

“Aaron,” Dave started to say something, to stop his friend that was obviously in pain.

“Dave, I don’t really want to talk about this anymore.” Aaron shut down, threw up his stoic mask and let himself out of Dave’s house.

“Damn stubborn ass profiler,” Dave cursed under his breath.  
__________________________________________________________________________________________  
A couple of months later Spencer had started to shore up his feelings for Aaron. He pushed them aside and into a small part of his heart. A part of him would always love the man, but he didn’t want to get hurt by it anymore.

As he made his way to the conference room he heard Aaron and Dave talking. 

“Is she cute?” Dave asked.

“Yes, but I need to focus on my training Dave. I don’t need to be distracted.” Spencer heard Aaron say. He didn’t want to hear anymore and went into the conference room to wait.

“What’s her name?” Spencer heard Dave ask.

“Beth,” Aaron says to him. It was like a stab to his heart and Spencer wanted to flee the room.

“I like it. And you know what they say about riding a bicycle,” Spencer kept his eyes forward and cleared his throat.

“Who’s getting a bicycle?” He stared at Aaron and the Unit Chief could see the hurt in the youngest profiler’s eyes.

Aaron smiled, “Nobody,” But it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Hm,” Spencer hummed under his breath.

They went on with the case, and it was one of those times that no one felt good about the outcome. A little boy still died and the father went to jail. It was a terrible case of one father not being able to let go and his aggressive nature took over. In his pain he had hurt people who had gotten in his way. 

Aaron was sitting in the back of the plane trying to process just what had happened during this case. Spencer cursed himself but went and sat in front of Aaron holding his book reading. He didn’t say anything he just sat there hoping that at least his presence gave some comfort. 

Aaron didn’t push but he knew what it was that Spencer was offering and he’d take it for what it was. They sat in silence the whole way home.

When they landed, Aaron hesitated outside the plane till he saw Spencer exiting, “Reid,” Spencer turned to look at Aaron, “Thank you.” Was all he said.

“It’s okay. You don’t need to thank me,” Spencer said as he walked off to his car.

Rossi stood back and watched the exchange wondering just when Aaron and Spencer were going to admit to each other just what they felt. But unfortunately neither man wanted to give in and admit their feelings. So Aaron buried his and through training for a triathlon he got to know Beth a little better.

Spencer tried to stay away from Aaron but he just couldn’t. He was also tired of being angry so one Saturday he showed up with a movie in one hand and a bag of popcorn in the other. Aaron was startled to see him standing there and a little part of him was elated. He missed the weekly presence of his friend and opened the door wide.

“This is a surprise.” Aaron tried to keep his tone neutral so as not to scare Spencer off.

Spencer walked in the apartment, “I’m tired of being angry with you. I know we aren’t going to talk about what happened between us but let me just say this,” Spencer shuffled his feet, “I don’t know what happened or why you left but it hurt Aaron, I thought we were better friends than that.” 

“Spence,” Aaron’s breath was shallow and his heart was racing, “I,” He took a moment to get his emotions under control, “I felt guilty Spence. I was lying to you, for a good reason,” Aaron wanted to re-iterate that, “But, I couldn’t look you in the eye Spencer. I’m sorry, I never meant to hurt you like that.” Aaron moved into his kitchen to pour a glass of scotch. He felt he needed the fortification.

“Okay, I get it but Aaron,” Aaron’s heart swelled just a little. Spencer hadn’t called him Aaron in months and he knew it was stupid, but just that small gesture made his world right itself just a little bit. “We can’t ever do that again, I couldn’t take it.” Spencer went into the kitchen and grabbed a bowl from the cabinet, went back to the living room and dumped the popcorn in. “So let’s just keep it at friends, nothing more.” 

Aaron was more than happy with that, “Okay, I can do that Spence.” He picked-up the DVD to put it in and He raised a brow at Spencer, “The Odd Couple?” He shook his head, “Trying to say something Spencer?” Aaron grinned at the youngest profiler.

“No.” He smirked at his boss, “Did you know that although much of the story has Felix and Oscar playing poker with some of their friends if you actually watch closely Felix is not actually playing.” Spencer smiled down into the popcorn.

“Oh really, well we’re just going to have to watch it to find out if that fact is correct,” Aaron played along with Spencer. 

They spent the next hour and a half watching the classic comedy settling back into one of the past-times both men had missed. When it was over Spencer helped Aaron clear the small amount of dishes, grabbed his things and started to go home.

“Spencer,” Aaron knew Spencer didn’t want to talk about what happened but he had to get this out now or he never would, “It meant something to me, I don’t want you to ever think that it didn’t and again, I am sorry for hurting you the way I did.” 

Spencer took a deep breath, “Okay,” He walked towards the door, “But I’d really rather not talk about it again, okay?” Spencer gripped the handle of the door ready to flee if Aaron tried to talk more about it.

“Okay, I won’t bring it up,” He reached for the door and their hands met, Aaron quickly jerked back, “Goodnight Spence.” He said as his best friend walked out the door.  
________________________________________________________________________________________________  
They were back to weekly movie nights. They talked often about anything except the two times they had been intimate with each other. Those two days were taboo. It hurt them both too much for either of them to broach the subject. 

Slowly they got back to dinners out, it wasn’t as often as it used to be, but they tried to make time. Spencer knew Aaron was training and it took up a lot of his time. He agreed to help Jack with his homework and help out when Aaron wanted to go on a run during the week.

When it came time for the big race Spencer was there with the rest of the team, though the women each sported quite the hangover and Spencer took the opportunity to tease them quite mercilessly about it, especially since he had spent the entire night with a difficult Henry. They were all there to cheer Aaron on when he passed the finish line.

Spencer was cheering as Aaron finished crossing the finish line and the team approached as he was grabbing a bottle of water. A woman called his name and Spencer turned and saw her. Beth. The woman that Aaron had been training with, the woman he wanted to ask out on a date, the woman that Rossi practically told Aaron to go after. Spencer knew he had no right to feel the surge of jealousy but he did. 

They all ended up at a diner close to where the race had taken place.

“So, Beth you work at a museum?” Spencer asked not so subtly.

“Yes, I just love art so much. It’s a fantastic job, I feel so lucky to be doing what I love to do.” She said smiling at Spencer then sending Aaron an even bigger smile.

Spencer was quiet the rest of the meal. When he was finished he sat back for a moment listening to the conversation all around but he just didn’t want to be there anymore.

“Well this was fun,” He let a little of his sarcasm through as he picked up his bag, “But I ah, I need to get going.” Before anyone could protest he was out the door and driving back to his apartment.

“Was it something I said?” Beth frowned thinking she had offended the younger man.

Aaron smiled at her, “No, nothing you said Beth. He’s just gone through a lot lately.” He put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to him. Dave gave him an undecipherable look which he wasn’t going to dwell on.

“I’m exhauseted, I think it’s finally caught-up to me. Come on Jack, lets go home, you’re old man needs a nap.” He looked to Beth, “I’ll call you,” He smiled down at her.

“Of course, get some rest.” She stayed a while making small talk with the rest of Aaron’s team then went home herself.

“Does anyone else think that Aaron is being a goddamn stupid idiot?” Morgan said as he sat back in his chair.

“Um, Morgan what do you mean?” JJ asked.

“Oh come on Jayje, when are Hotch and Reid going to actually acknowledge that they love each other?” 

“You mean you see it too?” Emily looked over at Morgan.

“All of us see it. I don’t know why they don’t, or at least why Hotch doesn’t.” Morgan sighed in frustration.

“He’s too stubborn to let go of his good ole’ Southern upbringing, his fears are pretty deep seated Derek. He really does love Reid, but he hasn’t even admitted it to himself. I think it will take a very dramatic act on Spencer’s part for him to finally figure this out.” Rossi ruminated on the problem wondering what he could do to help.  
_________________________________________________________________________________________

Reid was dancing with Emily and she was telling him she loved him and would keep in touch. He knew she was going to leave them, but at least this was a real goodbye. He was sad that she was going, but knew that she was having a hard time after her ordeal with Doyle.

“I’m going to miss you,” He gave her his famous pout.

“I’ll stay in touch, I promise.” She pulled him in for a hug. “Reid, I think you need to tell Aaron how you really feel.” Emily knew this was her last chance to talk to Spencer like this.

Spencer frowned, “I don’t know what you mean.” He looked over to where Beth and Aaron were dancing and he felt miserable.

“Reid, I’m not blind. I can see what you are feeling and I think you need to tell him.”

“Right and lose my job? No, no I can’t Emily. He’s too important to me to lose him and if all I ever get is his friendship, then I can live with that.” Spencer continued to dance with Emily for a few more minutes.

“I’m going to go home, I’m going to miss you Em.” He let her go, picked-up his bag and went over to Will and JJ.

“JJ,” Spencer hugged the woman close. He was beginning to let her in again, but it was slow going. “Congratulations.” He was genuinely happy for them, for the family she was creating.

“Thank you Spence.” She smiled wide her eyes sparkling with her happiness. “Are you leaving?” She asked sadly.

“It’s been a long day and I want to get home. You look beautiful.” He smiled crookedly at her.

“Spence,” She wanted to say something to help ease his heart, but she didn’t know how to help her best friend, “I’ll see you in about a week,” Is what she said instead. Tell him Spence, tell him how you feel. Is what she thought. She saw Spencer glance back at Aaron one last time before he left.

“Oh Will, I don’t know what to do for him.” JJ turned to her husband and laid her head on his chest.

“Cher, you need to let him work it out on his own. Don’t interfere.” Will told her as he held her close.

“I know, I just see how hurt he is. I wish they weren’t so stubborn.” She thinned her lips as her mind whirled.

“May I?” Aaron smiled at Will as he stepped aside to let the Unit Chief take JJ for a dance.

“Congratulations JJ. Will and you deserve this.” He smiled down at the media liaison turned profiler. Aaron had seen Spencer leave and it clutched at his heart for some reason. 

“And you deserve to be happy to Hotch.” She looked up at her boss as they swayed on the dance floor.

“I am. Beth is a wonderful woman,” The smiled didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Mm hmm,” She quirked up a brow but didn’t push it. She knew that he wasn’t going to admit to her what he truly felt, but she could at least put the thought in his head, “I see that you and Spence are talking again.” She said.

“We’re trying to be friends again.” JJ could tell that was all she was going to get out of the ever stoic Unit Chief.

“Thank you Hotch, now go back to your date I want my husband,” She laughed. 

Aaron went back to dancing with Beth but his thoughts were a million miles away. A part of him so desperately wanted to go see how Spencer was doing, but he held off. A couple of hours later the party was breaking-up, Will and JJ had already left for the hotel they were staying at for the night. Aaron took Beth home and before he realized it he was heading towards Spencer’s apartment.

The knock on the door startled Spencer as he was trying to wind down and was lost in a book. When he opened the door Aaron was standing there.

“Aaron, what, what are you doing here?” Spencer stammered out.

“I wanted to make sure you were okay. Emily told me about her job offer and I got worried how you were going to take it.” Aaron was standing there expectantly.

“Come on in,” Spencer stood to the side to let the man in. This is a bad idea Spencer thought.

Aaron moved into the apartment and went to sit on the couch, Spencer followed behind sitting next to Aaron.

“I’m okay Aaron. I mean I’m upset she’s leaving, but I think I understand. She’s not happy and she’s having a hard time so I’m okay.” 

“Good, I” Aaron didn’t know what he wanted to say, so they sat for a while in companionable silence. “Spencer you know I care about you right?” He still felt on shaky ground with their renewed friendship.

“I know Aaron, I care about you too.” Spencer frowned, “What is this about Aaron, why did you come over here tonight?”

Aaron let out a deep breath, “I don’t know, I’m sorry, I guess I just wanted to let you know that,” He pushed down what he was really feeling, “Spencer I won’t lie to you again. You are too important to me and I don’t want to lose your friendship again.” It was a partial lie and he knew it. The feelings he had were deeper but he pushed them down.

“Thank you, Aaron.” Spencer felt the truth in those words and hoped Aaron kept his promise.

“Well, I should get going, taking Jack out for pancakes in the morning.” Aaron got off the couch and headed out the door. 

Spencer was just closing it when a hand grabbed it and pushed it open. Aaron surged inside and pushed Spencer up against the wall, holding him there. It was a couple of minutes before anyone did anything then Aaron’s lips crashed down on Spencer’s. 

Spencer moaned at the feel of Aaron’s lips on his and it took everything in him to push the older man away, “Aaron, we promised.” The pain in Spencer’s eyes was too much, Aaron just wanted to take away the pain and hurt he had caused. He kissed Spencer again and the younger man didn’t protest, he pulled Aaron tighter against him.

“Dammit Hotch, what are we doing? What do you want from me?” His confusion coming through.

“I don’t know Spencer,” Aaron held the younger man hostage against the wall, his breath shallow, “I don’t know.” He lay his forehead on Spencer’s and they stood like that for a while just breathing each other in. Just as suddenly as Aaron pushed his way back into the apartment he pulled away from Spencer and left.

“Damn you Aaron Michael Hotchner, damn you,” Spencer slid down the wall and hung his head in his hands and cried.


	8. Seventh Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron finds out Spencer has girlfriend as is a little jealous. When tragedy strikes he is determined to be there for his friend. And when the team suffers a devastating loss no one is sure quite how to handle it.

Spencer was again angry at Aaron. He had left the young agent after making all of those buried feelings surface and Aaron knew he had hurt Spencer yet again.

He was sitting back in his office chair with a glass of scotch in his hands trying to come to terms with these confusing feelings.

“This is new, sitting in the dark and drinking when you could be out with your lady friend.” Rossi came into Aaron’s office and sat down in front of his friend’s desk.

“I just didn’t want to go home yet Dave.” Aaron took another sip, still staring off towards the window in his office.

“You want to talk about it?” Dave had been worried about Aaron for the last couple of weeks. He had withdrawn into himself even more than normal and he didn’t know how to help his friend.

“Not really,” Aaron turned in his chair to stare at Dave.

“Aaron something obviously happened after JJ’s wedding. You and Reid have backed off from each other again.” Dave was trying to get at least one of his friends to admit their feelings for each other.

“I keep hurting him Dave,” Aaron said under his breath.

Dave sat back and contemplated, “Well maybe you should stay away then.” 

Aaron glared at Dave, “He’s my friend Dave, I can’t just ignore that.” 

“Then don’t do whatever it is you’re doing that is hurting him,” Dave said matter-of-factly.

Aaron smiled down into his glass, “I think maybe I care too much for him.” He takes the last swallow of scotch that had been in the glass.

“And just exactly what does that mean?” Dave pushed at Aaron hoping the man would finally crack.

“I don’t know,” Aaron deep down knew what he was feeling but he refused to bring those feelings to the surface.

“I think you better figure this out Aaron or you are going to lose even that bit of friendship you still have left with Reid.” Dave stared Aaron down till the younger man looked down at his desk.

“I know, you’re right,” Aaron got up, grabbed his coat and briefcase and walked out of his office, not even saying goodbye to Dave.

“Aaron Hotchner, you are a damn fool,” Dave said under his breath.  
________________________________________________________________________________________  
“Spencer’s got a girlfriend,” Morgan teased when he finally got his friend to open up.

Aaron’s head shot up at that and he frowned. Spencer hadn’t mentioned anything about a girlfriend during either movie nights or the few dinners they had a chance to go to. Spencer just smiled shyly and didn’t elaborate further. He was worried about Maeve and the stalker, and he tried to get Maeve to go to the authorities, but she was more afraid for his life than she was for hers.

Aaron wanted to be at least a little jealous and deep down a part of him was. Later that week when he was buried in Beth fucking her, a part of him pictured a different body under him. He was having a hard time finishing till he thought of a certain young genius and all of his lines and angles, soft curly golden hair and full lips that knew just what to do to him. Those two nights with Reid had left an indelible mark on Aaron and whenever he thought about them he didn’t know what to do with that knowledge.

Beth moaned at all the right times, wrapped her legs around him at just the right angle, kissed him in just the right way, but really it truly wasn’t right. Picturing the genius in his head he was finally able to come after having gotten Beth off first. He fell beside her and pulled her to him, stroking her hair and the name Spencer almost, but not quite, spilled from his lips.

Beth was happy, Aaron was a great lover and such a sweet person to her but she just didn’t understand his relationship with Spencer Reid.

“Aaron,” Beth started to ask a question.

“Hmm?” He stroked her back slowly.

“Why does Dr. Reid come to your place every Saturday night?” Beth asked not so nicely and using his title instead of his name put Aaron off a little.

“What are you asking me Beth?” Aaron was a little apprehensive. Haley had welcomed Spencer into her heart and understood why didn’t Beth? He thought.

“I just mean he’s here every Saturday with movies and, well what if I wanted to make plans for us?” Beth knew this was a touchy subject and she wasn’t sure how Aaron was going to react.

“Look, Spencer is a very good friend and he and I have had some difficulties lately. I just want to get our friendship back on an even keel.” Aaron lets out a deep breath.

“I get it, but every week Aaron?” Beth was pushing it and she knew it.

“Do you have a problem with this Beth?” Aaron sat up in the bed and frowned down at her.

“I guess not.” She tells him but he heard a hint of sarcasm underneath. “It just seems that he’s more important in your life than I am.” 

Aaron glared at her and she knew she had pushed the subject too far. “Spencer is not more important than you, but he is very important to me. If you can’t handle this, because I am not giving up his friendship, then maybe we need to re-evaluate this relationship.” Aaron angrily got out of bed and went to go take a shower. He knew he needed to calm down because his girlfriend had pushed all the wrong buttons.

Beth realized that Aaron wasn’t going to compromise on this issue. Usually she would stay through the night, but she could feel the anger coming off of Aaron. She decided it was best if she left. She knew at that moment not to bring this up again and if she wanted this relationship to work she was the one that was going to have to compromise. Aaron wasn’t going to give up his friendship with Spencer, not even for her.  
_________________________________________________________________________________________  
“Please Hotch, help me find her,” Aaron couldn’t help but feel heartbroken for his friend. Spencer was always different, so it was no surprise that such a strange relationship had developed between him and this woman he only knew as Maeve. 

The team stayed the weekend and used their own time because they were determined to help Spencer find this woman he had fallen in love with. Aaron tried not to be jealous but a part of him was. He knew he had to get his feelings under control, that Spencer needed his undivided attention.

Unfortunately Diane was more unbalanced than any of the team could have realized and when she pulled the trigger that killed both her and Maeve they were all devastated. Spencer had dropped to the floor on his knees not believing what he was seeing. His pain was palpable; everyone was affected, but none as much as Aaron. He relived Haley’s death as he watched the scene before them and his heart was breaking for Spencer. No one moved for what seemed like forever and it was Aaron who made the first move. He dropped next to Spencer, eyes wet with tears and grabbed his youngest agent, his friend around the waist and held him. Spencer doubled over in Aaron’s arms and let his grief overtake him. The rest of the team left them alone for the time being, left Aaron to help Spencer as they helped take care of the bodies. 

Aaron eventually got Spencer up and to his apartment. He could tell that Spencer was going into shock and shutting down and Aaron knew the feeling well. He knew at this point there was nothing he could do for Spencer. He needed to work through his grief. Aaron hated leaving Spencer alone and if it wasn’t for Jack he wouldn’t have.

“Spence, I’m just a phone call away okay? It doesn’t matter the time you call me if it gets too much,” Aaron closed his eyes as he cupped Spencer’s cheek, trying to get the younger man to see him. But Spencer wasn’t, he wasn’t seeing Aaron, he wasn’t seeing anything around him, the only thing he was seeing was Maeve being killed in front of him.

Aaron gave Spencer a chaste kiss on his forehead, reiterated to Spencer he would be there and left with a heavy heart.

Aaron had left Spencer alone for a week, but he knew he couldn’t hold back any more. He knocked hard on Spencer’s door and got only a single knock back. He closed his eyes and slid down the doorway. Pulling out a notebook and pen that he brought he wanted to see if Spencer would at least write back.

_Spencer, I’m right here_. He slid the note under the door. He waited a few moments and it was slid back.

_Go away,_ Aaron somehow knew that was going to be his answer.

_I’m not going anywhere Spencer. I’m not going to let you go through this alone_. He slid it back under the door.

_I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to do. She died thinking I didn’t love her Aaron_. There were tears on the paper and Aaron closed his eyes trying to think of a way to help his friend.

_You once told me that you weren’t going to give me the platitudes that everyone else gives. I’m not going to do that to you either. She knew Spencer, she saw the truth in your eyes you have to believe that. Let me in_. He hoped that he could get through to Spencer.

_How’d you get through this Hotch? How’d you get through this pain? It’s too much._

_You._

_Oh._

_Let me in Spencer, talk to me._

_I can’t. I don’t want you to be disappointed in me._

_I won’t._

There was a long wait and Aaron wondered if he had pushed Spencer too far.

_I bought a bottle Aaron._

Aaron sighed. He thought that might happen. He had hoped that Spencer hadn’t but it wasn’t a surprise.

_Give it to me Spence, please._

There was another long wait and something was pushed through the mail slot and dropped into Aaron’s lap. Aaron sighed deeply as he clutched the bottle in his hand. Silent tears fell as he felt for his friend on the other side of the door.

_Is this all?_

_Yes._

_Do you promise me?_

_Yes Aaron, that’s all._

_I’m still not leaving. Aaron wrote back._

_You have Jack, go home Aaron._

_Jack is going to stay with Jessica for a few days. Let me in Spencer._

_I can’t…………I didn’t have enough time with her Aaron, not enough time._

Aaron heard the quiet sobbing on the other side of the door and his heart broke for the young genius. He stretched out but stayed leaning against the door. He wasn’t going to leave Spencer alone, not while he was hurting this much.

_There never is enough time Spence. I still miss Haley every day. Come on Spence, let me in._

_Why? Why do you want to see me like this?_

_I just want to make sure you’re okay._

_Please just leave me alone_

_No!_

_Why?!_

_Spence, you are too important to me. I know I’ve made mistakes with you, but you know I care too much to see you in this much pain. Please let me in._

Spencer opened the door till just the security chain stopped.

“Please Aaron, I don’t want anyone here. Why can’t you understand that.” 

“Not taking your own advice.” Aaron had moved till he squeezed his tall frame across the doorway.

“What advice?” Spencer asked quietly through the small opening.

“You told me to let the team help me after…” Aaron still had a hard time saying Haley’s name. “You were there for me Spence,” Aaron said softly so only Spencer could hear, “Let me be there for you.”

Spencer shut the door and it was like that for a long time. Aaron even started to fall asleep, he wasn’t about to leave. He wanted Spencer to know he was there and that he cared. It startled him awake when the door slowly opened.

“Fine,” Spencer moved aside and let Aaron into the apartment. 

Spencer was thankful that Aaron didn’t say anything about the state of the apartment, he didn’t know if he could take that. All Aaron did was pull Spencer into his arms and hold him. When he did Spencer let go, he let the hard-wracking sobs that he had held back come and in the arms of his best friend he completely broke.

Aaron stayed the night and just held him till he could fall asleep. He left in the morning to go to the office, but he left Spencer a note saying he would be back later. 

Aaron came back and it was much like the day before. Spencer didn’t let him in this time he didn’t think he could handle it. So they passed notes back and forth. Aaron even fell asleep in the doorway and woke-up early in the morning to a pillow behind his head and a blanket thrown over him. He was stiff and exhausted, but he was determined to let Spencer know he was there. He stood and stretched, folding the blanket and putting the pillow on top. He knocked on the door and Spencer knocked back once letting him know he was there.

A couple of days later they got a case taking the team to San Francisco. Aaron hated leaving Reid because he was determined to do everything he could to be there for him. So it was quite the shock when Spencer entered the San Francisco Police Department after Morgan had called about the problems they were having nailing down the profile. The case wrapped up in just a couple of days but the team stayed one more night because the plane needed some minor maintenance.

Aaron was stretched out on his bed in the hotel room trying to read. He’d already called Jack and said his good nights and now he was just trying to settle, trying to get Spencer out of his head. It startled him when there was a knock on his door.

“Reid,” They just stood there for a minute staring at each other, “Um come in.” Aaron stood back to let Spencer into the room.

“Aaron,” Reid took a deep breath, “Can I,” he looked down at his feet, “I was going to stay with Morgan but he was watching some game and I’d really rather-“ Aaron cut him off with a squeeze to his shoulder.

“You can stay here.” Aaron went back to his bed and tried to go back to reading but his thoughts were heavy as he saw the grief in Spencer’s eyes. “Spencer, it’s not going to happen today or tomorrow but you will get through this, you will be okay.” Aaron put the book aside.

“It doesn’t feel like I’m ever going to be okay again.” He sat down heavy on the other bed. He set his messenger bag aside and lay down.

“You will, and if you ever need to talk it through, I’ll be here.” Aaron looked over and saw the sad smile on Spencer’s face.

“Thank you, Aaron, for everything.” He didn’t have to elaborate; Aaron knew what he was talking about.

“Did you not pack a go-bag?” Aaron gave his friend a quizzical look.

“No, I just grabbed my messenger bag after getting dressed.” He laughed quietly.

Aaron just shook his head at the younger man, “Well I have an extra toothbrush and razor, feel free to use anything else. They’d be a bit baggy on you, but I have some extra sweats and a t-shirt.” 

Spencer actually let out a sigh of relief. “Thanks,” He went to the bathroom to take a shower and Aaron left the items there for him. He came out a few minutes later and fell onto the bed exhausted. Aaron quickly took a shower and got ready for bed himself. He lay there for a long time as thoughts of Haley and how difficult it was for him to let anyone in, how frozen he had felt and that fateful night that he left Spencer when all his feelings came crashing down on him. Thankfully though his physical exhaustion finally overrode his mind and he was able to fall asleep.

Sometime in the very early morning Aaron woke to Spencer curled around him. He smiled softly and just pulled him closer knowing the genius just needed some comfort. He was slowly falling back to sleep when he felt Spencer stir and when he felt lips connect with his he moaned into him, but frowned as well.

“Spence, I don’t think this is a good idea,” Aaron’s heart was racing.

“Please Aaron, I just, I need to feel something other than this pain,” Tears slid down his face as he crawled on top of Aaron, “I promise I won’t get mad, whatever happens.” He leaned down and kissed Aaron’s neck, sliding his hands over his chest fingering the scars. “I don’t think I could handle losing you too Aaron,” Spencer whispered under his breath.

“Spence,” Aaron wanted to push him away, wanted to stop whatever was going to happen, but hearing the anguish and pain in his friend’s voice, the pleading to feel something other than the pain he was going through went straight to Aaron’s heart. He suddenly pulled Spencer up to him cupping the back of his head he kissed him with hard bruising kisses. He slipped his tongue into Spencer’s mouth seeking entrance and when Spencer complied he groaned in the back of his throat.

Suddenly they were moving together, feeling each other and before they knew it Spencer was naked and under Aaron once again.

After they were spent, both panting from the effort Aaron held Spencer close. He closed his eyes and silently cried because he knew this was only temporary. He wanted so much, but felt deep down inside that he couldn’t have this wonderful man that he called best friend. He didn’t run this time, he stayed and he let Spencer curl around him and held him close.

When Spencer woke-up later in the morning and Aaron wasn’t there he started to curse him thinking that he left again, even though there really wasn’t anywhere to run to. It startled him when the door to the hotel room opened and Aaron walked in with two coffee cups and a bag in his hand.

“Here, the hotel coffee sucks so I went to a little café down the street.” Aaron handed him the coffee cup.

“Um, thank you,” Spencer looked up at him confused.

“You thought I left again didn’t you?” Aaron sat down hard on the bed in front of Spencer.

“It ah, it crossed my mind.” Spencer looked down at his coffee cup and frowned. He knew he was the one who initiated it and he knew he said he wouldn’t get upset, but a  
part of him did feel anger. When Aaron came back in he breathed a sigh of relief and his heart stuttered just a little.

“Spence,” Aaron wanted to say so much, but he held back, “I,” He took a long sip of his coffee then looked back into the face of the young man across from him, “I care too much about you to let you go. I want to be there for you. I know I’ve made some pretty dick moves, and I’m sorry. You can always come to me Spence no matter what.”

Spencer gave Aaron a small smile, “Thank you Aaron. Thank you for last night.” And that was all either man would say on the matter. They ate the bagels Aaron had brought back, finished their coffees and made their way with the rest of the team to the plane. Spencer sat next to Aaron and they shared a companionable silence as they flew home and settled into a new easier friendship.  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
The rest of the year wasn’t any easier. The team was being stalked by someone from the BAU’s past, specifically Dave, Erin and Alex’s past. John Curtis was out to undermine and destroy the unit, but fortunately the team figured out his plan. The team didn’t come out unscathed though, Erin Strauss paid the ultimate price and it broke their senior profile. Dave Rossi had cared very deeply for Erin and losing her, he lost a little part of himself. He then made it his mission to make his two friends finally confront each other, even if it took a while.

Aaron went home with a heavy heart. His brother was now in jail facing up to his past and present mistakes. He hoped that they could actually connect again. This was another person that Aaron knew he made mistakes with and he was determined to try to make it right again. Beth had called but he didn’t want to talk. Their weekend together had turned for the worst and losing Erin like they did cut right thorough him. He had always respected her even though she was hard on him and the team. They had come to an understanding after Foyet and their working relationship had improved. Aaron also knew what this was doing to Dave and he tried to comfort his friend but he had wanted to be alone. He talked to Spencer though, and they were both feeling much the same thing. They talked for over an hour and when Aaron finally put the phone down he went to bed and fell into an exhausted sleep but not before uttering one name, Spencer.

Spencer was having a hard time processing, losing his boss so closely after losing Maeve tore a little piece out of him. He couldn’t say that Strauss was ever a friend, but she had tried to get closer to the team after Foyet. He respected her and understood what a difficult position she had been in. After hanging up with Aaron his heart was heavier than it had been before. He knew he needed to finally tell Aaron how he felt, he couldn’t go on anymore like this because it was tearing him apart. He was in love with his boss and he didn’t know what to do with that knowledge. Losing Erin and Maeve made him realize how short life really was. He fell into bed both mentally and physically exhausted. He held one of his pillows close to him and wished it was the body of the man he was in love with. Knowing that could never be he cried into the pillow and had one name on his lips before falling into a dreamless sleep, Aaron.


	9. Eighth Year - Part One - Leaving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer confronts Aaron the next day but it's not what Aaron expects. Aaron's indecision is hurting him and he is having a hard time moving forward. Will the tragic consequences of a case be the catalyst for Aaron to finally break?

It was early on Sunday and Jack was still at his sleepover when there was a knock on Aaron’s door. He hadn’t moved from the couch all night trying to make sense of his relationship with Spencer and the confession his friend had dropped on him. The knock was more insistent so he got up and opened the door. Spencer was standing there and he didn’t look much better than Aaron felt.

“Spencer, come in.” Aaron moved aside to let the younger man in.

“I’m only staying a minute Aaron.” He came in and Aaron noticed he had a letter in his hands.

“Spencer, what’s going on?” He noticed how nervous Spencer was and Aaron’s heart was racing. He had a feeling he wasn’t going to like what his youngest agent had to say.

“Here,” He handed Aaron the envelope for him to take. Spencer stepped back and wrapped his arms around his waist, his raw emotions playing out on his face. Aaron read it slowly, confusion in his eyes.

“Spencer, you don’t mean this.” Something shifted in Aaron’s heart and he wasn’t sure what was going on.

“Aaron, I can’t stay, I need to get some distance and this is the best solution for both of us.” Tears were forming in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall.

Aaron was angry, “Spencer, you drop this bombshell on me, then run out the door and don’t even give me a chance. Now you’re running even further, what the hell Spencer?”

“Then tell me. If you can tell me right now what I know you feel for me then I’ll stay,” Spencer looked at his friend in anticipation not daring to hope.

“Spencer,” Aaron didn’t know what he felt, or he didn’t want to acknowledge what he felt, he wasn’t sure which. He was quiet for too long and he knew it. When Spencer spoke again he was shocked back to reality.

“I thought so.” Spencer said with a touch of anger in his voice. His heart was breaking, he didn’t want to go, but if he stayed little pieces of him would die every day that Aaron refused to acknowledge what he knew was between them.

“Aaron if you can’t acknowledge what’s between us then you need to let me go, please, please just let me go.” Spencer’s voice had that pleading tone that always broke something in Aaron. He didn’t know what he was afraid of but he let those fears control him and it was tearing apart the one person Aaron vowed never to hurt again.

“Spencer, give me time, I just need some time here.” Aaron wasn’t quite sure why his heart was racing and why he felt tears threatening.

“You’ve had eight years Aaron. You know where I’ll be, but I can’t wait forever.” Spencer spun away and walked out the door for the last time. He finally let his emotions catch-up to him as tears flowed down his face. He hadn’t wanted it to come to this, but the longer he stayed in the unit the more it hurt that the person he loved didn’t want to acknowledge his feelings. It was better this way, or so he thought.

Aaron ran out the door to try to catch-up to the genius, but he was already backing out of Aaron’s driveway. Desperate, Aaron started to get in his car to follow the young genius. His phone rang and he looked down to see it was Spencer calling.

“Don’t follow me. At least not right now Aaron, because whatever you tell me now I don’t know if I’ll believe you because you’ll say anything to make me stay.”

“Spencer that’s not true. You’re not even giving me a choice here.”

“I know and I know it’s not fair, but you’ve had chances in the past. I’ve left enough clues that I thought you’d get it at some point, but you refuse to see Aaron and I can’t live like this anymore. Goodbye Aaron, I love you, I’ll always love you and I can’t make you love me so I need to leave.” Spencer hung up on Aaron, didn’t give the man a chance to respond because if he did his resolve would break and he would be tempted to stay. 

Spencer didn’t let himself break, not yet not until he entered the safety of his apartment. He curled up on his couch and let himself break down. He asked himself yet again Why? Why couldn’t the man he loved love him back? At least this time though it was him that was leaving. He was making the decision not the other person. He vowed to never be abandoned by anyone ever again and yet he shattered. He shattered at the realization that he was leaving the one person in the whole world who never abandoned him, never truly gave up on him. Oh, they’d had issues over the years, hurts, times that their friendship was strained and rocky, but Aaron never gave up on him. But, Spencer just couldn’t take it anymore, he loved Aaron more than he knew was good for him and he needed time and distance to sort out his feelings.

Aaron stood in his driveway for a long time wondering just what the hell had happened. When his phone rang again his heart soared hoping that it was Spencer calling back. It wasn’t though and he couldn’t understand why his heart was pounding fast and why there were tears running down his face. He looked back down at the ringing phone and realized it was Jack calling.

Aaron cleared his throat before he answered, “Hey buddy, what’s going on?”

“Dad, you forgot to pick me up.” Aaron looked at his watch and cursed. He was supposed to have picked Jack up from his sleepover an hour ago. An hour? Had he really been standing in his driveway for an hour? He shook his head and tried to get his emotions under control. He wiped a hand down his face to clear the tears away as he questioned why his heart was breaking. Why he felt a sudden emptiness in his heart where Dr. Spencer Reid lived. 

Aaron stalked back into his house, grabbed his car keys and went to pick-up his son, pushing those questions and those feelings aside.  
__________________________________________________________________________________________   
“What the hell do you mean Spencer resigned? And why didn’t he tell any of us?” Morgan was angry that his little brother had just up and left without saying goodbye. 

Spencer had used the last of his vacation time as his notice. Aaron saw that he had come in over the weekend and cleared his desk of paperwork, consults and pending cases. All of his mementos and the couple of pictures he had were gone as well. When he looked in the desk Aaron didn’t know why he wanted to cry when the little film canisters that Reid used as rockets to show off his physics magic were gone. Somehow the loss of those small canisters made it seem final and he again fought back the tears that threatened. He wasn’t about to show his raw emotions at work.

“Morgan, I’m not sure what’s going on but he left his letter of resignation with me over the weekend. I did my best, but he was determined.” Aaron lied to himself and lied to the team, he couldn’t tell them the real reason Spencer left was because of him. He already hated himself he didn’t want the team to hate him as well.

“Aaron you have to get him back. We need him, he’s important to us, to all of us.” Mogan frowned his anger came through and Aaron let himself take it, “Did you guys break-up or something? Is that why he left?”

“What?” Aaron asked “No there was no break-up Morgan we weren’t dating.” Aaron glared at his subordinate.

“Are you sure about that? I mean we all thought-“ Aaron cut off the younger man.

“Morgan he left you his contact information for a reason. I’m sorry there’s nothing I can do.” Aaron stalked back to his office and sat down hard. He slammed the door harder   
than he thought and knew the team was definitely going to profile that one. He leaned over his desk head in his hands. He didn’t know what to do.

“So, that’s it? You’re just going to sit there and feel sorry for yourself?” Aaron hadn’t heard when David Rossi came into his office.

“Dave, not now please.”

“You’re being an ass Aaron.”

Aaron frowned, “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t you think I’ve noticed how close you and Spencer are? Aaron, when are you going to realize that you’ve been dating Dr. Spencer Reid for the last, what eight years now?”

“Not you too Dave, you guys are crazy.” Aaron sat up in his chair and glared at his oldest friend fighting the truth in his own mind.

“Are we? Every Tuesday, even when we are on a case, you two go to dinner. Every Saturday he’s at you’re place for dinner and movies. You were carpooling again every day, unless you’re out then he either takes the train or drives himself. You sit next to each other on the plane 9 times out of ten and for someone who doesn’t like to be touched you are the only person he lets touch him on a consistent basis. You’ve even admitted to me that you slept with him. You don’t do things like that unless you care very deeply about someone. Aaron, what are you afraid of?” Dave stared at Hotch wondering if he would ever be able to reconcile his feelings for the younger man.

Hotch sat back in his chair and stared at his friend, “I don’t know. ” He said with such sorrow that Dave felt for Aaron, but he wasn’t going to let his friend off the hook. He saw the pain in Aaron’s eyes and knew there was only one solution, he just wasn’t sure if Aaron would ever be ready to acknowledge how much he loved Reid.

“Well you better figure it out because it’s not only Spencer you’re hurting.” Dave got up and walked back to his office, hoping that his friend had the courage to acknowledge what his feelings really were.

Aaron sat back in his chair and closed his eyes. _I am a straight man, what the hell is going on?_ He reflected back on the times he gave in and let himself be with Spencer, let himself feel more than this emptiness he felt on a daily basis ever since Haley had been taken from him. He had tried to feel more for Beth than just friendship, but it just wouldn’t come. He cared for her, but he didn’t love her, not like she wanted or needed. He asked himself the question that had been deep in his mind for so long, how and when had he fallen in love with Spencer? He sat up suddenly with the realization, _Oh my god, I’ve fallen in love with my best friend, with Spencer Reid._

Just then Garcia came to his door, “We have a case bossman.” She looked in and saw that Aaron was trying to get himself together.

She came into the room, closed the door and sat down, “I know it may not be any of my business sir, but I’ve had enough time to observe you and Reid together over the years. I only wish I could find something like what the two of you have. I know that is hasn’t been all flowers and candy. I know you’ve had problems, especially after Emily but don’t waste it. After losing Erin I realized that life really is too short for regrets and, I know I’m probably pushing boundaries here, but if you don’t go after him, I guarantee this will be a regret. Sir. Please don’t fire me.” She looked at her boss with a wide open expression.

Aaron huffed out a laugh, “So, am I the only one that didn’t see it?” She nodded her head yes, “No, I’m not going to fire you Garcia.” He graced her with a sad smile. “But right now I don’t know what to do, so let’s just leave it there.” She could see him throwing up his walls and knew this conversation was over. She just hoped that her words got through to him.

“Okay. We have a case, I’ll see you in the conference room.”

“Be there in a minute.” He watched her as she got up and left his office.

He sat back in his chair and wondered what the hell he was going to do about Spencer. For now though he made his way to the conference room, they had a case after all.  
________________________________________________________________________________________________  
One month. Jack was calling Spencer and it put a smile on the genius’s face.

“Uncle Spencer, when are you coming back home? Daddy misses you, he’s sad all the time,” Jack said as Spencer answered the phone. He closed his eyes against the pain he felt as he cleared his throat to try to talk to Jack.

“I don’t know buddy. I need some time to think, okay?” He didn’t want to lie to Jack but he also didn’t want to reveal too much to the boy. He wasn’t sure how much Aaron had told Jack and he didn’t want to be the one to say anything out of line.

“Uncle Spencer, Dad misses you, he was happier when you were around,” Jack wanted to cry, he missed his Uncle Spencer so much. When his Dad had left the phone on the table he decided to make the call, he couldn’t lose anybody else in his life, he needed Spencer as much as his Dad did.

“Listen buddy, it’s not that I don’t want to be there but I can’t be, not yet. I know you don’t understand but I hope that soon I can come back, okay?” Spencer gripped the phone tight, it was breaking his heart that a little boy was hurting because his father was paralyzed in his decision.

Jack pouted he thought that he could get Spencer to come back and everything would be like it used to be, “I just want it like it used to be,” He said quietly trying to be stoic like his father but it just wasn’t working.

“No matter what happens Jack I will always be here for you. If you need to call me you go right ahead,” He didn’t get much farther when he heard a voice in the distance.

“Jack, who are you talking to?” Spencer hear Aaron in the background and his heart was pounding just a little.

“Uncle Spencer,” Jack said softly. Then the phone was being taken from Jack, Spencer could tell the phone was being shifted from one hand to another.

“Spence,” Aaron breathed softly into the phone, “I,” He didn’t know what to say, all words dried up in his throat as he tried to talk.

“it’s okay Aaron. Jack just wanted to say hi.” He waited to see if Aaron would say anything and when he got nothing he tried to hide the hurt he felt, “Well, I ah, I’ve got to go. I have an interview to get to.” He hung up on Aaron and set the phone aside.

Aaron felt the sting of the hang-up and knew it was because of him because of his indecisions but it didn’t make it hurt any less.

“I’m sorry Dad,” Jack said so quietly that Aaron almost missed it.

Aaron pulled Jack into a hug, “It’s okay Jack, if you ever need to call your Uncle Spencer you do that. I know you love him. It’s okay buddy,” Aaron held onto his son as he felt the silent tears fall. When Jack was spent Aaron took him into his room and got him ready for bed. 

When he finally go to his own bedroom and laid down for the evening he closed his eyes and cursed himself yet again for his indecision. When silent tears fell he didn’t stop them, he turned to his side and shut out that annoying voice that old him to stop feeling sorry for himself and go to California and get Spencer back.  
________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Three months. Aaron hadn’t made any decisions on what he was going to do. He didn’t want to admit that he missed Spencer. He didn’t want to admit that sometimes at night he felt the crushing weight of grief at losing his best friend. He wondered why he was making this so complicated, why he was thinking about this too much, why didn’t he just go after what he truly wanted, what he’s wanted for years. Then those old fears and supposed complications crept into his head and he again didn’t go after what he wanted. He let his father’s voice enter his head telling him how disappointed he was that his son liked men. Memories of his father’s belt and humiliation ran through his head and he sometimes was just too tired to fight.

When it got to be too much he would call the number that Spencer left him. If Spencer answered he found it difficult to say anything and he let the silence come between them. There was too much burning inside of him and he never knew what to say. If Spencer didn’t answer he would leave short simple messages this last one he almost broke but all he said was “Spence, I miss you,” He said it so quietly that even he knew he sounded broken but he didn’t erase it, he let it sit there between them. Then he hung up. Tears were in his eyes and he knew this half-life, this terrible indecision was tearing him up and he knew he was hurting Spencer again, but he didn’t know how to move on, didn’t know how to tell the second most important person in the world to him that he loved him. He often found himself sitting in his chair at night with a glass of scotch in his hands and his ingrained fears, the voice of his father, FBI rules and societies ‘morals’ rule over his heart.

The team noticed it, noticed that this indecision was tearing their boss, their friend apart. That Spencer’s leaving was doing to him what Gideon’s leaving did to Spencer. No one knew how to help or what to say, even Dave was at a loss. Aaron was falling apart right before their eyes and no one knew how to get him to move forward, or how to get him to go after what it was he was missing. 

Even Jack noticed it and he wished he could help his Dad. He missed Spencer too but every time he tried to talk about the genius his Dad would close off, so Jack stopped bringing it up. It hurt the both of them but Jack just wanted things to go back to the way they used to be.  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
Spencer got the messages Aaron kept leaving him. He heard the sadness and desperation in his best friend’s voice and it almost broke his resolve. He wasn’t going to run back, wasn’t going to fall back into that same pattern of Aaron’s denial. But it was this last message when Aaron simply said, “Spence, I miss you,” that Reid almost broke. The raw grief he heard in Aaron’s voice hurt him more than anything that had happened in all of the years that they have known each other. He played that message over and over one night and cried himself to sleep over it. He had the vague impression that what he had done to Aaron was as bad or maybe worse than what Gideon’s leaving had done to him. He wasn’t going to give in though, Aaron _had_ to come to him, _had_ to admit to them both what he felt. Spencer knew that then and only then would either man be able to move on, whether it was together or separately, Spencer hoped that it would be together.   
________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Six Months. Aaron was running after the unsub from the north while Morgan was coming after him from the east. JJ was trying to keep up with Aaron but she fell behind. They were running through the woods of the Sawtooth National Forest in Idaho and the unsub was keeping just ahead of all of them. What Aaron didn’t expect was the ambush. The unsub had a partner and the rifle round ripped right through Aaron’s vest. He was hit twice before he went down. The unsub they were chasing paused to check to see how hurt Aaron was and this gave enough time for Morgan to come up on them and he was able to get a bead on the first unsub as he tackled him to the ground. He got the man handcuffed and propped next to the tree while he called on his radio for back-up and emergency services. The partner took off running through the trees again and Morgan took a split second to make a decision. 

“Hotch,” Morgan dropped next to his boss, his friend and saw that Aaron had been shot in the upper chest and the stomach. Moran’s heart was in his throat because both bullet wounds were potentially fatal. “Hotch stay with me man you gotta stay with me,” He was trying to staunch the flow of blood over both wounds. 

“Reid,” Hotch tried to speak but it came out garbled and Morgan had to lean in close to hear. “Tell Reid-” Morgan was desperate Aaron kept trying to move and it was aggravating the bleeding.

“Hotch, you gotta lay still man, help is on the way,” Morgan yelled into his radio again then JJ was suddenly on them. Her look of horror at seeing the man she thought of as a big brother on the ground bleeding was tearing her apart.

“What the hell happened?” She yelled at Morgan.

“Michaels had a goddamned partner. Ambushed us, here,” He grabbed JJ’s hand and pressed it to Hotch’s chest wound, “Don’t let go JJ, whatever you do don’t you fucking let go,” Morgan was near panicking.

“JJ,” Aaron whispered. 

The blond leaned down to try to hear her boss better, “JJ, please, tell Reid,” Aaron tried to get his throat to work but his mouth was dry and he was having trouble focusing, “Tell him I loved him, tell him take care…Jack,” Aaron’s eyes were near panicked and JJ was trying to fight back her tears.

“Dammit Hotch, stay with us, stay with us and tell him yourself.” He reached up with the last reserve of strength he had to grip her arm tight.

“JJ please,” Aaron looked at her with such sadness that it was breaking her heart.

“Okay Hotch, okay but you hang on please, please hang on” She was pleading, they both were but Aaron was losing the battle to stay conscious. By the time help arrived he was unconscious and he was being airlifted to the nearest hospital.  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
Spencer looked down at the phone and saw that it was Aaron calling again. A part of him should have been upset that the man kept calling and leaving these messages, but he wasn’t. Each time he head Aaron getting closer and closer to admitting what he was feeling, but it didn’t mean that Spencer was going to make it easy for him. On the contrary, he wanted Aaron to work for it wanted him to finally break and admit unconditionally what his feeling were.

Spencer knew there was something wrong when it was the third phone call in a row. He finally answered, “Aaron, what the hell?” He was slightly annoyed because the man had never called this many times in a row.

“Spence,” Spencer looked confused because it was JJ on the other end of the line.

“JJ? What are you doing on Aaron’s phone?” He was not in the mood for one of Aaron’s manipulative games, if that was what this was.

“Spence, Aaron he,” Spencer could tell that JJ had been crying. He knew her so well, knew when she was holding back her emotions, knew how she sounded when grief struck her. All of a sudden Spencer’s heart was in his throat and he didn’t want to hear what JJ was about to tell him.

“JJ, what’s going on, what happened to Aaron?” His breath was shallow as his heart stuttered in his chest.

“Spence, he’s been shot,” JJ couldn’t hold back anymore and he heard her crying on the other end of the phone, “It’s bad Spence, please you need to get here, please. He, he told me to tell you,” She stopped to try to get herself under control.

“No, no don’t tell me.” He didn’t want to hear any confessions that Aaron had made to JJ, he wanted to hear them from Aaron. “ I’m on my way, where are you?” She told him they were at Saint Luke’s Magic Valley Hospital in Twin Falls Idaho. He hung up without saying a word and immediately made reservations on the earliest available flight out of LAX. He didn’t let himself panic till he was actually on the plane. 

Five hours later he was rushing into the waiting room of the hospital. He saw JJ and ran up to her.

“How is he?” Spencer demanded to know.

“It's bad Spence. He was hit in the chest and the stomach,” JJ looked away as fresh tears threatened. “He’s still in surgery. They won’t tell us what’s going on yet.” Spencer pulled her into a hug as he tried to hold back his own tears. 

“Spence, you gotta listen to me,” JJ said as her head lay on his shoulder, “He wanted me to tell you,” She didn’t want to cry, she needed to finish this, “He wanted me to tell you that he loves you and I think, I think if he doesn’t…he wants you to take Jack.” She broke then, wrapping her arms around Spencer.

Spencer didn’t know what to say as he held the blonde tightly in his arms. He didn’t want to hear those words from JJ, he wanted Aaron to tell him. He wanted, no needed for Aaron to be okay. He broke his hold on JJ and ran out of the hospital. His emotions were too big, too much as the man he loved was fighting for his life. He pulled out his phone and replayed the message, “Spence, I miss you,” over and over as he tried to hold on.


	10. Eighth Year- Part Two - Coming Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron has surgery and Spencer stays the night hoping for Aaron to wake-up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in this update but i had to do some research for this particular chapter. Hope you like it.

Spencer was pacing outside the hospital with the phone clutched to his ear. Tears were falling as he tried to hold on to the hope that Aaron was going to be okay. He did not hear when someone came up behind him and he jumped when a hand landed on his shoulder.

“Hey, just me,” Morgan said as he held his hands in front of him. He was startled when the younger man flew at him and wrapped his arms around him. Morgan closed his eyes and schooled his own emotions as he gently hugged his best friend.

“Hey kid, you gotta hang on. You have to trust that he’s going to come out of this, okay?” Morgan rubbed the younger man’s back trying to sooth him.

“I should have been there, I shouldn’t have run Morgan,” He buried his head in Morgan’s shoulder and he shattered. The man he loved was in there fighting for his life and Spencer was having a hard time processing his feelings..

“Reid, you can’t do that to yourself. Come on kid, you have to hang on.” Morgan pulled the man back and grabbed his shoulders, “You have to hang on and you have to believe that he’ll be okay.” 

“I know Morgan, but I just, I can’t help feeling like I should have been there,” Spencer pulled away and wrapped his arms around his waist. He walked back into the hospital waiting room with his head down. He sat in the corner and gave off an air of wanting to be left alone and though it was hard for them, the team backed off and didn’t push.

“Hello, who is here for Aaron Hotchner?” A doctor stood in the waiting room waiting to speak to the team. They all stood and converged on the doctor eagerly awaiting the verdict of their boss and friend.

“He’s still in surgery but I was asked to come out here and update you. The bullet that went through his stomach was a through and through. It grazed his small intestine and the surgeon is working to repair the damage. Unfortunately it ricocheted and went right through his spleen and we are going to have to remove it. He will be able to function without it, but there are going to be some care instructions he is going to have to follow. He will be more prone to infections, especially during recovery. Part of the problem we are having is previous scar tissue. It’s complicating the repairs as some of it had begun to build up and was beginning to wrap around the area in question.” The doctor paused a moment to let the team settle before he continued.

“We are working as diligently as we can to not only clean up the scar tissue, but repair the damage to the small intestine. The surgeon thinks that he can repair the damage without any type of removal, which would be the best case scenario. Now as to the bullet to the chest, it did not go clean through. It is lodged very close to the Superior Vena Cava and we have to be very careful on it’s removal. This is one of two main veins that bring de-oxygenated blood from the body and into the heart. It is vital that during the bullet removal that nothing happens to the Vena Cava. This is the more delicate part of the surgery and it is cause for concern. We are doing everything we can to minimize the risks, but we wanted you to be aware that there are risks.” The doctor finished and the team looked devastated.

“Just do what you can Doctor.” Rossi was finally able to speak past the lump in his throat. “You’ll keep us appraised?”

“Of course. I need to get back but know that we are doing everything we can to minimize any risks to Agent Hotchner and to get him through this surgery without any further complications.” The Doctor turned and left and all eyes turned on Spencer who was backing away and retreating to his corner of the waiting room. When JJ tried to approach but he just curled in on himself he didn’t think he could talk to anyone at that moment as guilt was crashing down on him.

The team wanted to help Spencer, but they all knew this side of him and if they pushed too hard he would retreat even further into himself. They also knew that if anything happened to Aaron, it would destroy Spencer, especially since it had only been just shy of a year of him losing Maeve.

Several hours later the doctor came out again to speak with the anxiously waiting group.

“Okay, just for full disclosure, we had some complications. We lost him twice while working to dislodge the second bullet-” Everyone in the room heard the sharp intake of breath and the grief coming from Spencer as he absorbed this information. “But, we got him back and we were able to finally get the bullet out. There was minor repair to the Superior Vena Cava, but with time it should heal just fine. Now as to the repairs to the small intestine this will take a little more time. Agent Hotchner will have to be on a modified diet, exercise and work program to give it time to heal and his body adjust. The surgeon, unfortunately had to take a small section because the scar tissue went deeper than he thought at first. I will leave a detailed list of instructions that he will need to follow. Now are there any questions?”

“How long will he be out and when will he be ready to take back home?” Rossi went into mother hen mode at this point and everyone else let him.

“He will probably be under for a few hours. We’ll evaluate him tomorrow and if everything looks good he will be airlifted back to Quantico. I’ve already called ahead to Bethesda Hospital and they will have everything ready for Agent Hotchner. And before you ask, you can see him tomorrow, right now he needs complete rest.” The doctor turned and went back to dealing with his other patients.

“Alright lets get to the hotel. We all need to get some sleep then we’ll come back in the morning.” Rossi started directing everyone out of the hospital. He waited till everyone was gone when he approached Spencer, “Come on kid, you can double up with one of us.” 

“No, I’m staying,” He looked away from Rossi.

“Reid, you need sleep, and we have the ro-” He was cut off from anything else he was going to say.

“No Rossi, I said I am staying.” He pulled his legs up to him and said nothing else hoping everyone would just leave him alone.

Dave knew then there was nothing he could do to get Spencer to leave so he just handed him a piece of paper with the address of the hotel.

“In case you change you’re mind,” Dave gave the younger man’s shoulder a squeeze as he tried to reassure him when he turned to leave it was with a heavy heart.

After everyone had gone Spencer went about finding out where Aaron’s room was and during the minor chaos of shift change he made his way there and slipped into the room. When he saw Aaron on the bed hooked-up to a ventilator and other live-saving machines his heart broke and he cried silently as he sat down in the chair next to the bed. He grabbed Aaron’s hand in his and held it.

“Aaron, you have to wake-up, you have to wake-up and tell me yourself what you told JJ. You have to be okay, not just for me but what about Jack? You have to be okay for Jack. That boy needs you Aaron he can’t lose another parent.” Spencer held his hand tight and moved the chair closer. “I love you Aaron, please, please come back to me.” He bent and kissed the hand he was holding as tears streamed down his face.

He did not hear when the nurse had come in and he was startled when a hand touched his shoulder.

“Sir, you’re not supposed to be in here,” She said quietly.

“Please, please let me stay.” The raw grief on Spencer’s face broke the woman’s heart and against her better judgement she agreed.

“Okay,” She patted the young man on the shoulder as she finished checking Aaron’s vitals.

“Do you need anything honey?” She asked kindly.

“No, I’m fine thank you.” He almost whispered as he continued watching the ventilator breath for Aaron. The nurse left the two of them alone sending up a prayer that the man on the bed would eventually be okay.

“You know you messed up all my plans. I had gotten a position at Cal Sci in the Math department. I would have been working with an old friend of mine. I kind of wanted to make you jealous,” He laughed to himself as he held Aaron’s hand. “I knew you were close to coming to California, I could hear it in that last message. I know I was being petty, but dammit you wouldn’t budge.” He rubbed circles on the back of Aaron’s hand, “Come on Aaron wake-up please.” He lay his head on the bed as close to Aaron as he could get as he again tried not to cry. 

Spencer hadn’t realized he had fallen asleep like that until he was being woken up by a different nurse.

“Sir, I need to check his vitals,” He let Spencer move out of the way before he checked the machines. After he was done he left then came back in a few minutes later with a different chair.

“Here, I think this will be more comfortable for you,” He switched out the chairs for the young genius.

“Thank you,” Spencer almost whispered as he lowered into the chair.

“Its not a problem. I have a partner and I cannot imagine if anything like this happened to him. If you need anything just let me know. I’ll be Mr. Hotchner’s nurse till the morning. Just ask for Marshall.” He gave Spencer’s arm a gentle squeeze as he left the room.

Spencer pulled a book out of his messenger bag and started to read out loud to Aaron, hoping that it would wake him up. He knew he was being a bit irrational, and that Aaron just had major surgery and would be down for a few hours, but his anxiety was coming through. He needed Aaron to be okay and he needed reassurance that he would be okay.  
A few hours later he was being woken-up again but this time it was by the morning nurse. He saw a blanket had been put around him at some point during the night and a pillow was behind his head. On the tray table was some coffee and what looked like a breakfast sandwich waiting for him.

“Marshall told me that there was a young man who sat by Mr. Hotchner’s bed all night. Normally people who aren’t family shouldn’t be in here. But he said that he thought there was more between you,” The nurse put a hand on his shoulder and he didn’t flinch.

“My name is Karen. If you need anything just let me know. Here’s some coffee and something to eat. I was told that you probably hadn’t eaten all night. You have to keep up your strength young man or you won’t be any good to him when he wakes up.” She smiled at Spencer as she walked over and checked Aaron’s vitals.

Spencer watched her as he took the coffee and sipped it. He saw the sugar and creamer packets and proceeded to put several of the sugars in the coffee and a couple of the creamers. He took another sip and moaned in appreciation.

“I’m ah, I’m Spencer,” He told her as he picked-up up the sandwich and took a tentative bite. He wasn’t sure how his stomach was going to react to food. He had been so tense since JJ’s phone call that he couldn’t eat. After the first bite he realized he was ravenous. He polished off the whole thing in just a couple of minutes while the nurse worked around him.

Just before she left she turned back to him and smiled, “It’s nice to meet you Spencer.”

After she left he went to the bathroom and splashed water on his face and saw a new toothbrush and toothpaste sitting there along with a small hospital packet of toiletries. Spencer smiled and shook his head knowing that it was probably Marshall that left these things for him. He brushed his teeth, then took off his shirt and washed up his torso using the items in the bag. He dried off a moment later and had to admit he felt a little better. He put his shirt back on and went back out to the room. He walked up to Aaron and bent down and kissed his cheek, running his hands through his hair and closed his eyes. 

“Okay Aaron, you’ve been down long enough, you need to open your eyes now.” Spencer kept stroking his hair and kept begging for Aaron to wake-up. He knew rationally that nothing he did was going to wake Aaron sooner, but it gave him something to focus on so his heart would stop hurting so much. After a while he pulled back and sat back down. He realized he was still hungry, the sandwich woke-up his appetite so he got up and went in search of the cafeteria. He found it easily and got something else to eat as well as several snack items and another coffee. He took the food to go and made his way back to Aaron’s room. He pulled out his food and ate it and downed the second cup of coffee. All of these things kept him busy for a short-time, kept his mind off of the man lying on the bed. But when he was done he sat back with the book from the previous evening and started to read again.

It was a couple of hours later when the Doctor showed-up and Spencer was afraid he was going to kick him out.

“It’s okay Spencer. Karen told me that you were here all night. I’m not going to make you leave. Anyone who risked breaking hospital policy to stay with him all night is someone that Mr. Hotchner needs right now.” The Doctor smiled warmly at Spencer.

“Do you know when he’ll wake up?” Worry laced his words as Spencer held onto Aaron’s hand.

The Doctor looked thoughtfully at the younger man before he spoke, “It was the equivalent of two major surgeries at the same time Spencer. The anesthesia would have worn off hours ago. The fact that Mr. Hotchner didn’t wake-up is not necessarily cause for alarm. Sometimes patients can stay in a coma state and it could be several hours or, honestly it might be several days. What we need to be concerned about now is if Mr. Hotchner is able to breath on his own. Later this afternoon I am going to turn the ventilator down and see how his lungs are functioning. If he is able to maintain I will be taking him off the ventilator then, but if not he may have to be on it for a little while more. If he is breathing on his own by this afternoon I can make arrangements for him to be flown back to Quantico and transferred to Bethesda Hospital.” 

Spencer nodded his head, not trusting his emotions as he kept his eyes on Aaron.

“Well, I will leave you two alone for now, but I will be back this afternoon. I will also let the rest of your friends come in for a few minutes after we do the ventilator test.” The doctor gathered up his things and left the room.

Spencer went back to his chair, but he had moved it up so that he was as close to Aaron as he could get. He grabbed the book and went back to reading out loud, while one hand held onto Aaron’s the whole time. After a while he wanted more coffee and went back to the cafeteria. When he got back to the room he just stood in the doorway and looked at the man lying in the bed. His heart ached for Aaron to be okay, and his hand shook with emotion. He got himself under control and took up his vigilance. He made a vow right then and there that he was not leaving Aaron’s side. He was going to stay with him till he woke-up, no matter how long it would take.

A few hours later the doctor came back in and readied Aaron for the ventilator test. He allowed Spencer to stay because he knew that there was no way the young man was leaving anyway.

“Okay Spencer, I’m going to turn down the ventilator to 50% and we’ll see if Mr. Hotchner adjusts and starts to breath on his own.” The Doctor waited for a few seconds and Spencer realized he was waiting for a signal from him. Spencer nodded yes. The Doctor turned down the ventilator and Spencer waited, his heart in his throat. It was a tense few minutes when all of a sudden the machine was being manipulated by Aaron’s own breathing. Spencer and the Doctor both let out the breaths they had both been holding. The Doctor let Aaron breath this way for a few minutes to make sure he was maintaining. When he was satisfied he started to slowly unhook Aaron from the machine. After the tube was slowly taken out the Doctor listened to his heart and his lungs.

“The lungs are strong and he has good, steady breathing. The heart also sounds good, but I will want to do another check later and if he is still maintaining I’ll make arrangements for his transfer.” He smiled over at Spencer, obviously happy with the results.

“Thank you Doctor...I’m sorry I didn’t get your name,” Spencer was embarrassed that he may have been told the Doctor’s name but he hadn’t remembered it.

“Greene, Doctor Greene. And I hope he comes out of this soon, but his body suffered a great trauma Spencer, so he may be down for a while while his body heals and gets used to the repairs that had to be made.”

“I understand. I take it the rest of my friends are here and anxiously waiting to come in?” 

“They are, I will get them, but please only two at a time and only for a few minutes. Mr. Hotchner’s body is adjusting to having no spleen and he is susceptible to infection, especially this early in his healing.”

“Thank you again, and I will be careful Doctor Greene.” Spencer shook the Doctor’s hand and waited for the first of the visitors.

It was no surprise to Spencer when it was Morgan and Rossi. When they saw Spencer they immediately realized that the young man had stayed the whole night.

“Reid, you stayed here all night?” Morgan went to stand next to his friend.

“I couldn’t leave him Morgan. I had to stay,” The tears he had been fighting all night shone in his eyes, but her refused to let them fall.

“Its okay kid, I get it.” Morgan grabbed his shoulder in a reassuring grip.

“How is he? Do you know?” Rossi turned to Reid as he tried to wall up his own emotions. That was his best friend on the bed and he didn’t know how to process what he was feeling.

“They took him off the ventilator because he’s breathing fine on his own. Doctor Greene said his heart sounds good as do his lungs. They were worried about the lungs because of the damage to the Vena Cava, that’s why he was on the ventilator in the first place.” He went on to explain in detail how the two organs work together and normally Rossi or Morgan would have cut off his rambling, but not this time. This time they both knew this was his way of coping. So they let him ramble till he was done.

“I must look worse than I feel if you two let me go on that long,” Spencer smiled sadly.

“I know this isn’t easy pretty boy, but we’re all here for both of you.” Morgan just stood and watched his Unit Chief and willed the man to wake-up. After about twenty minutes Spencer explained about the short time and suggested that JJ and Emily might want to come in. The two men left and a few minutes later the two women entered.

JJ wrapped her arms around Spencer and held him close. “He’s going to come out of this Spence, you have to believe that.” SHe reached up and kissed his cheek before turning to go stand beside Aaron’s bed. Taking his hand in hers she just watches.

“Hotch, you gotta be okay. We all need you, especially Jack and Spencer. Come on bossman, you have to open you’re eyes,” JJ stood there waiting for something to happen and willed herself not to cry. Emily came up next to her and pulled her into a hug. The two women held each other as they prayed that their boss would be okay.

“Doctor Greene thinks he may be like this for a few days. He believes that Aaron’s body is just healing itself, trying to repair the damage.” Spencer stepped to the other side of the bed and held onto Aaron’s hand. The women stayed for a while and talked to Aaron hoping that it would somehow make him wake-up.

After they left Spencer was alone again. He pulled out some of his snacks and started to read to Aaron once more. It was several hours later when Doctor Greene comes back to check on his patient. After reviewing his vitals and being satisfied with the heart and lung functions he tells Spencer that he feels it safe to transport Aaron.

“I will be back and give you the details of the transport. I will also ask if its possible for you go with them, if that is what you’d like.” The Doctor asks Spencer.

“Of course, I would appreciate it if you could make that happen.” The Doctor just smiled as he left to go make the arrangements.

“Guess what, you’re going home Aaron.” Spencer picked up Aaron’s hand and held it between his own, rubbing his cheek he felt the fingers twitch.

“Aaron,” He jumped up and moved closer to Aaron’s head, “Aaron come on wake-up, please wake-up.” He laid his head gently on the older man’s chest hoping for his love to wake-up. He stayed like that for a long-time but Aaron didn’t wake up.

A short-time later he was being woken-up again by Doctor Greene. “So Mr. Hotchner will be airlifted out of here tomorrow at 10 am. And the pilot reassures me that there will be room for you on the helicopter.” 

“Thank you Dr. Greene, for everything.” Spencer just nodded at the Doctor before he left  
__________________________________________________________________  
By Six o’clock the next evening Aaron was in a private room at Bethesda Hospital and Spencer was again keeping up his vigilance. The team had flown home separately and would come by the next day.

He had called Jessica just before they got Aaron on the emergency transport helicopter to let her know what was going on. Jack was frantic and wanted to speak with Spencer.

“Uncle Spence, please tell me Daddy will be alright.” Spencer could hear the tears over the phone and it broke his heart. He didn’t know what to do if Jack lost Aaron, it would devastate the young boy.

“Jack the Doctors are doing everything they can to help your Dad. Now, we are flying home today and I’m sure the hospital will let you come see you’re Dad. Why don’t I call you as soon as we get settled.” He tried to reassure the young boy.

“But you didn’t say whether Dad would be okay,” Jack’s voice was quiet and Spencer cursed himself.

“Jack, you’re Dad is in a very deep sleep right now. His body is trying to heal from the surgery. He may be like that for a few days so you have to be strong Jack. Can you do that? Can you be strong for your Dad?” Spencer’s voice was calm even though he didn’t feel calm. He knew Jack needed for him to be.

Spencer heard him sniffling over the phone, “Yes Uncle Spencer. I can be strong for Dad.” 

“Okay I will call you as soon as we land okay?”

“Okay, please make Daddy be okay Uncle Spencer,” The little boy hung up and Spencer’s heart was heavy and tears were in his eyes but he didn’t let them fall. He had to take his own advice and be strong. When he got to the hospital he vowed to be strong for Jack to help him through this.

He called Jessica as soon as they landed and Jack was allowed to see Aaron after about two hours. Jack tried to be strong and stoic like his father but his heart was tender like his mother’s and seeing his superhero of a father on the bed and hooked up to machines it broke the boys heart. Spencer sat in the chair close to Aaron as held the man’s son in his arms and let him cry.

Spencer vowed to stay and be there for Jack. The boy needed someone to turn to and Spencer wanted to be that person. The next few days were going to be difficult for them both.


	11. Eighth Year - Part 3 - Awake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When will Aaron come out of the coma and will he have to courage to admit his feelings when he does?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shorter chapter, but it just felt right how it ended.

It was taking longer than anyone thought for Aaron to come out of the coma. The doctors originally thought that it would be a matter of days, but it was now going on three weeks. Spencer barely left his side. JJ or Emily would come to see him and bring him coffee and something to eat in the mornings. Penelope would bring her laptop and headgear and stay with them for a couple of hours in the afternoons, often bringing him lunch. At night it would be Dave, Morgan or both, and of course they brought him dinner. He knew what they were trying to do and he appreciated it but he really just wanted time alone. Luckily none of them stayed too long, even Penelope could tell when to leave. 

Jessica brought Jack over every day after school. The nurses had brought in a folding table that Spencer would set-up so Jack could do homework only helping when Jack was struggling. He would often head to the cafeteria and get snacks and sodas for them while Jack worked. Afterwards the boy would sit on Spencer’s lap and he would read to his two men. Sometimes Jack would take a nap and curl up next to his father. 

After Dave and or Morgan would leave he’d go to Aaron’s house and take a shower and clean-up. He had his friend Charlie pack-up his clothes and had them sent over-night to him. He left the boxes in Aaron’s house so it would be easy to change. He also took advantage of the washer and dryer, and kept food stocked so he could have something available when he was there. He slept a few hours a night, or at least tried to. 

He worried the whole time he was away from the hospital but it was important that Jack’s routine wasn’t interrupted too much. After cleaning up and doing his laundry he would make Jack dinner and they would go over his homework just before settling down for some reading or watching TV. Jack wanted to watch Doctor Who with Spencer and it became a nightly routine. Later after getting Jack into a bath and then to bed he’d sit and read with him.

“Uncle Spencer?” He asked one night, sadness in his voice.

“What is it Jack?” The young boy was snuggled in Spencer’s arms and the older man was trying to comfort him.

“Is my Dad going to ever wake-up?” His eyes were shining with tears.

“Yes he is Jack, we just have to have some patience with him. You know your father does things his own way.” Spencer smiles softly, hoping to ease the young boy’s fears.

“Uncle Spencer?” Jack looked up into Spencer’s face and the expression broke his heart.

“Yes, Jack?” 

“After Dad wakes-up are you going to go away again?” His face showed his fear and sadness at the thought of losing Spencer again.

“No Jack, I’m not leaving again. I promise.” He kissed the boy’s head and pulled him close. He began to read to him again and only left when he felt Jack’s breathing   
even out and he could tell the boy was asleep. He went to Aaron’s bedroom, like he did every night and his heart was heavy. He crawled into bed and curled around one of Aaron’s pillows. The man’s scent was still on them and it comforted Spencer. He’d fall asleep with thoughts of the man he loved and silent pleas that he would wake-up.  
_____________________________________________________________________________________________  
Spencer was once again camped out in Aaron’s hospital room. He had asked everyone to let him have a day to himself. He knew they cared, he knew they were worried about Aaron, but the constant in and out of his friends was frustrating him. He needed space and the longer that Aaron was still out the more he needed to be alone. He was again curled up in the chair, holding Aaron’s hand and reading to him. The doctor had already come in to do his rounds and everything seemed to check out. The doctors were still puzzled what was taking so long for the older man to pull out, but they would wait another couple of days before they ran the battery of tests to see if there was an underlying cause.

Spencer was in the middle of the second half of Cloud Atlas when he felt it. He lifted his eyes for a moment and the movement was gone. He sighed in frustration but went back to reading. Then he felt it again, this time stronger. He felt Aaron’s finger’s curling around his in a tight grip.

Spencer surged out of his chair, not letting go of that hand.

“Aaron?” He said quietly.

The hand fluttered again and Spencer saw rapid eye movement.

“Come on Aaron, open those eyes, please, please open your eyes,” Spencer encouraged the older man and a few minutes later he was rewarded with Aaron slowly opening his eyes. It took the older man a few moments to adjust his eyesight. He moved his head and looked up into the face of Spencer Reid.

“Spence?” His throat was dry and the name came out raspy but it was the most beautiful sound to Spencer at the moment.

“Yes, Aaron. I’m here, I’m here.” He squeezed the hand that he was holding.

“How,” He tried to swallow so he could say more without his throat hurting. Spencer started to move but Aaron gripped his hand tighter, “How long?”

“You’ve been in a coma for almost a month Aaron.” Spencer took a chance and bent down and kissed the man he loved. “God, I thought I was losing you. Dammit Aaron Hotchner,” He couldn’t talk as he laid his head against Aaron’s and tried not to cry. He felt fingers slowly card through his hair and hold him there.

“Spence,” Aaron croaked out, “I love you Spence, I’m so sorry,” He started to cough from the effort.

Spencer pulled back and grabbed the cup on the tray and poured some water into it then inserted a straw. 

“Here, drink,” He said softly as he held the cup out for Aaron. The older man took a few sips to slake his thirst and to coat his throat so he could talk.

“Spencer,” He smiled and he couldn’t help the tears that escaped, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I was a fool-“

“Shh, don’t talk now. We can talk later okay?” Spencer smoothed Aaron’s hair away from his face then he pulled away for a moment, “I’ll be right back, I’m just getting the doctor.” He went to the nurse’s station right outside the room. “He just woke-up,” He couldn’t quite keep the smile off his face and the nurses all quietly cheered. They had been rooting for the couple and were happy for him. Spencer practically ran back to the room and impatiently waited for the doctor.

“Mr. Hotchner, It’s nice to see you finally awake,” The doctor came in looking at his patient file.

“How bad is it Doctor?”

“Simmons, Dr. Michael Simmons.” He smiled at Aaron, “Dr. Green at St. Luke’s sent over your file. The bullet that grazed your heart, you are lucky. It nicked the Vena Cava but they were able to repair it and the tests keep showing that it’s healing just fine. The bullet that went through you abdomen was the one that caused complications. Mr. Hotchner, they had to remove your spleen. Now while you are out of immediate danger and you’ve been lucky with no infections, you will have to be careful. You are going to need to see your regular doctor on a more regular schedule. I’m recommending a higher dose of vitamins to boost your immune system.”

“Will that affect fieldwork?” He wanted to know now if he could still be a field agent. Spencer gave him an exasperated look at that being his first question.

“No, Mr. Hotchner, it won’t. But I do advise you taking more precautions. Also they had to take a small portion of your small intestine. You had very invasive scar tissue and when trying to repair the damage from the bullet they needed to clean-up the scar tissue. In doing so the doctors needed to remove about an inch. Now while this doesn’t sound like a lot your body has to get used to the loss. You will need to be on a strict diet that will moderately increase the types and amounts of food you can take in. I will leave everything with your partner and the two of you can look it over when you go home.” Aaron lifted a brow at the word partner and a small smile escaped. He liked the sound of that but he wasn’t sure where Spencer’s head was at. This was suddenly a lot to take in though and he laid his head back and blew out a breath.

“I know it’s a lot to take in right now, but you’ll have plenty of literature to go over and if you have any questions you can call me anytime.” Dr. Simmons went around the patient checking his vitals, checking for skin and nerve sensation, making sure there were no hidden concerns.

“Thank you Dr.” He waited a moment till the doctor finished, “When can I go home?”

The Doctor just furrowed his brow a moment, “Mr. Hotchner you just came out of a near month long coma. It will probably be a few days. We’ll let you rest today and in the morning I am going to have the nurses get you up and walking. It will depend on that. I can safely say about 4 – 5 days.” The Doctor smiled said he’d be by later before he left.

Spencer sat down again and took Aaron’s hand in his own. His heart was so full of emotions he didn’t know what to say.

“Spencer, you’re quiet,” Aaron looked down at their entwined hands and smiled.

“Did you mean it Aaron?” Spencer looked up at Aaron and waited with bated breath.

“Yes Spencer I did mean it. I love you Spencer Reid, I’ve loved you for years but I was a confused, stubborn idiot.” He closed his eyes and swallowed, “I’m so sorry Spencer I never meant to drive you away.” 

“I love you too Aaron,” Spencer stood and leaned over the unit chief then slowly and softly kissed him. “Don’t you ever do anything this stupid again,” He chided. There wasn’t much heat behind it because they both knew the dangers of the job.

“I was about to come out to California. The day Garcia gave us the case I had it all set,” He looked to see the shock on Spencer’s face. He knew with that last phone message the man had been close, but he didn’t think that Aaron was going to go through with it.

“I’m here now, we’re here, let’s just start from here.” Spencer smiled that shy boyish smile.

“Move in with me,” It was so out of the blue that Spencer was caught off guard.

“Wha-what?” He was breathing shallow and his heart sped up.

“Spencer I want you to move-in with me. We already know each other so well, live with me, with us. Jack adores you and I know he would love to have you –“ Spencer put a finger on Aaron’s mouth to quiet him.

“Yes, Aaron I will move-in with you.” The two men basked for a few moments in their happiness when they heard a noise at the door.

“Dad, you’re awake, you’re awake,” The eight-year old ran into the room and crawled up on the bed and being careful he hugged his father.

Aaron reached around and held onto his son. Closing his eyes he breathed in deep and buried his head against his boy’s shoulder.

“Hey buddy,” He said quietly in Jack’s ear. “I love you so much Jack.”

“Uncle Spencer has been taking care of me, he cooks dinner, and we watch Doctor Who, then he reads to me till I go to sleep. Please Dad, make him stay, don’t let him go away again,” Jack almost whispered this to his father, not wanting Spencer to know what he was saying.

Aaron smiled over at Spencer, “Jack just asked me to make you stay and not go away again. Do you want to tell him or should I?” 

“You tell him,” Spencer had a boyish grin on his face.

“Jack, Spencer is going to move-in with us.” Aaron laced his fingers with Spencer’s again as he smiled softly at the younger man.

“Really?” Jack moved off of Aaron’s bed and ran around to Spencer and threw his arms around the genius. “I love you Uncle Spencer.” 

Spencer closed his eyes as he hugged Jack close to him. “I love you too Jack.” He took a moment before he released the boy. “Okay, I have to go make a phone call, okay Jack?” 

“Okay Uncle Spencer,” Jack crawled back on the bed and lay down next to Aaron.

Spencer smiled as he walked back out of the hospital room to go call the team.  
______________________________________________________________________________________________  
Four days later Aaron was walking into his home with his arm wrapped around Spencer. The two had talked more in the hospital and Aaron had confessed all of his fears and why he held back so much. He confessed that his feelings grew after that night they had been together after Haley’s death. He confessed that he had been frozen, that he didn’t want to feel love like that again and his guilt over deceiving Spencer with Emily’s fake death. He told Spencer that when they had made love that second time his heart broke open, those frozen parts of himself shattered and he ran. He ran in fear because he figured out he was in love with the genius but couldn’t handle it, not with the guilt that had entered his heart. He made Spencer listen to him, even when the conversation became uncomfortable for the both of them. Each broke down at different times and each time they just held each other and talked past the hurt, the pain, the anger and the feelings of abandonment that Aaron had felt at Spencer’s leaving. 

By the time Aaron was released a newer deeper bond had formed between them. The love they shared shone through and their hearts were lifted. When they walked into Aaron’s house an hour later, he didn’t expect the sight that was before him. The team was there welcoming him home and he felt right for the first time in a long time.

“You guys didn’t have to do this,” Aaron said in his stern unit chief voice.

“Yeah, Hotch we did. Except we didn’t plan it, Genius over there did,” Morgan indicated Spencer with his head.

“Spence?” Aaron smiled at the man in his arms.

“Yes Aaron,” He smiled that crooked boyish smile that Aaron had come to love. Aaron shocked everyone in the room when he pulled the genius into his arms and gave him a passionate kiss that held the promise of so much more.

“Oh My God, does this mean you guys are you know, together, together?” Garcia squealed as she watched two of her family show their love for each other.

Aaron broke off and smiled at the analyst, “Yes Garcia, that means we are together. And no comments from you Dave,” Aaron glared at his best friend.

“I was just going to say it was about time that you got your head out of your ass.” Dave smirked.

“Right,” Aaron just shook his head and accepted the teasing. The team stayed for a while. Morgan barbequed and the women helped set-up for them to all gather around the table and eat.

Several hours later after the team cleaned-up and left the two men alone Aaron and Spencer were getting ready for bed. Aaron smiled over at Spencer as he slid under the covers and pulled the younger man to him, wrapping his arms around him and holding on tight.

“You know this is the first time that we are going to sleep in the same bed knowing what this relationship actually is.” Aaron teased softly.

“You’re right.” Spencer sighed contentedly as he snuggled down against his lover’s side. “I love you Aaron.”

“And I love you Dr. Spencer Reid,” Aaron closed his eyes as he held onto the man curled next to him, “I’ll always love you Spencer.” He said as he drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, technically this is the end of the story, but do you guys want another chapter? An epilogue? Let me know in the comments.


	12. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron's healed from his injuries and he has a surprise for Spencer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is shorter than most of my chapters, but when I got to the end I just couldn't add anymore. Hope you guys like how this wrapped-up.

It took another six-week’s for Aaron to heal completely from his wounds and in that time Spencer had officially moved in. He had to take a week to go back to California to gather up the few things he had there and to say goodbye to his friend Charlie. When he got back he got all of his books out of storage and together Aaron and Spencer created a make-shift library in the spare room of Aaron’s house. It didn’t take long for the younger man to feel like he was finally home.

Jack was excited, he had come to love Spencer very much and he was ecstatic that his Dad had finally admitted his feelings for the genius. He may have only been a kid, but Jack wasn’t stupid he just wondered why the adults in his life were.

Aaron was happy as well. When he finally let all of those fears go and was able to finally admit all those feelings he had bottled up he felt free for the first time in a long time. He had a surprise waiting for his lover when he came back from California.

Spencer walked in the door to quiet jazz playing in the background and a table set with wine chilling in the ice bucket and an amazing smell coming from the kitchen. The lights were dim and candles were skillfully placed all over the living and dining room. He didn’t hear Jack anywhere but he quickly figured that the boy was probably still with Jessica.

Slowly he set his bags down and made his way towards the kitchen.

“Aaron?” Spencer called out softly.

Aaron smiled to himself and moved out of the kitchen to see Spencer standing there with a quizzical look on his face. He walked up to his lover and pulled him into his arms. No shame, no second-guessing, no fears, Aaron slowly kissed the man in his arms with the passion that had always been simmering just under the surface of their long friendship. When he finally pulled back and cupped Spencer’s face he smiled.

“I love you Spencer,” He closed his eyes and let the feeling wash over him, “I missed you.” He wasn’t going to take Spencer for granted, not anymore.

“I missed you too Aaron,” Spencer stepped up and wrapped his arms around the older man, “I love you,” The words slipped easily from his lips. He never thought they would get here and he felt horrible that it took a near tragedy for Aaron to finally open-up about his feelings but in the long run he didn’t regret anything because it brought them to here and now.

“Sit, I have dinner ready,” He led Spencer to the table and kissed him once more before going into the kitchen. A short-time later he was bringing bowls of salad for each of them. It was only the beginning to a wonderful meal. It was light, and the lovers were playful as they fed each other, talked and enjoyed the delicious wine. When they were done Aaron led Spencer to their bedroom and the younger man saw new dark red silk sheets, more candles that Aaron went about lighting and the music that had been playing in the living room was being filtered into the bedroom.

Spencer raised a brow as he turned in Aaron’s arms, “Are you sure?”

“God, yes. Because if we don’t I don’t know how much longer I can take it,” He backed Spencer up till he hit the wall. Aaron placed his hands on either side of Spencer’s head as he slowly leaned in and again kissed the genius with that barely controlled burning passion. He darted his tongue out to lick and taste his lover’s lips and Spencer moaned deeply in the back of his throat. His arms came up around Aaron and he pulled the older man to him, melding their bodies together as his mouth was ravished. 

The lover’s undressed each other, taking their time to relearn all the tastes and textures of each other’s bodies. They touched and gripped, bit and licked, as each piece of clothing was removed exposing their bodies to each other in the most intimate of ways.

Finally Aaron lifted the genius who wrapped his legs around his lover’s waist and turning from the wall Aaron collapsed down on the bed with the younger man under him.

“God Spencer, I never thought I’d feel you in my arms like this again,” he laid his forehead on the younger mans as he let a tear escape his eyes. Spencer reached up and brushed it away, his own feelings churned up and almost too much all at once. “I’m sorry Spencer, I’m sorry for all the lost time and all my own fears. I’m sorry for all the times I hurt you, hurt us, I love you, I love you Dr. Spencer Reid,” And that was all it took for Aaron to get lost in the body beneath him. He cherished every touch, every taste, every motion and burned it in his memory. He made love slowly to his beautiful genius and in the process it was him that came undone, he broke open yet again but this time he let himself feel everything, he let Spencer in, let his lover see him fully and completely for the first time.

When he collapsed next to Spencer and pulled him in close, kissing the genius tears came unbidden to his eyes.

Spencer saw everything and it was heady. He was let in to see the older man’s vulnerability along with his pain, and his love. Spencer would cherish this, keep it in his heart and never abuse it. For the first time he saw Aaron’s complete honesty with him and knew he was given a gift.

There were no words they could say to each other at the moment so they held each other, using their hands and mouths to say everything that they couldn’t. After a while they fell asleep wrapped up in each other as their hearts soared with the knowledge that this was their true beginning.


End file.
